Once Upon A Cline

Loose Ends

2012-02-05T15:40:00.002-06:00

I said about a week and a half ago that I was going to post a vlog. Then our computer with the webcam had to go to the doctor and we just got it back. I could've used my iPhone, but, meh. I will work on it soon.

McKinley is growing and talking and running and I am having so much fun with her. She is truly the light of my life. She is still nursing, and as my grandma says, it provides her more "soul food" than nutrition at this point, although I believe she's still reaping the benefits of nursing.

I never thought that we would still be going strong. Honestly, when I received the samples of formula in the mail during my pregnancy, I held on to them. I wasn't committed to breastfeeding past 6 months until she was born and we developed a great nursing relationship. I know that we were very fortunate to not have any bumps in the road. While I would have cut anything out of my diet for her, I'm not sure we would have lasted past 12 months if I would have had a super restricted diet.

Now, I feel very emotional about the thought of her weaning. Some days, I think I'm ready. Other days, I think of how she is likely the only baby I will ever nurse, and then I don't want to even think about stopping.

It was not my intention for this post to just be about our nursing relationship. But now I have to go, and, um. Sorry.

Oh, I had a dream last night that it was time for the Spring Time Change again and it stayed light out until 6pm instead of 5pm. So if we could just go ahead and make that happen right now, that'd be great.

Fancy

2012-01-23T16:10:00.002-06:00

Thanks to Mariah for my new blog design! I gave her a couple of ideas and a color scheme and she ran with it. I love it!

Watch for a vlog later this week... I'm feeling brave!

Here.

2012-01-19T12:29:00.003-06:00

My to-do list is long. Bedding needs washed, floors need swept, the bathrooms need cleaned, someone should buy some groceries, and my baby needs to have her baby clothes switched out for toddler clothes. Of course, the clothes swapping is my favorite and least favorite of my chores to do. My favorite because I love to introduce new, cute clothes to her wardrobe, and the least favorite because my baby isn't such a baby. When I consider that she is likely going to be an only child, I find myself hanging on to every stage a little bit longer than she does.

Oh, the dishwasher needs unloaded and reloaded, and the previous load that is drying on the counter needs put away. And the crockpot sitting off to the side of the sink has a ring of leftover (burnt) chili that I just can't scrub away. The counter must feel overwhelmed just like I do.

But as I was listening to the Today Show yesterday, while nursing McKinley in our special chair, I heard Hoda (or Kathie Lee, not sure) say "Be Here Now". Whatever you're doing, whoever you're with, Be Here Now. So, I let that sit all day, in my mind and on my heart.

I played some dolls and read a couple of books, and had extra tickle time. And it was hard, but I put my phone down.

I'm going to print out some signs and hang them around my house. I might get all fancy and pinterest-y and make them look pretty, or I might print them out in Comic Sans* and just hang them. The sign isn't important - the words are.

Be Here Now.

*I would never.

Back at it.

2012-01-11T15:38:00.002-06:00

I wonder how long I can do this. Up every hour, maybe two, through the night. The squeaky glider. Closing the door behind me, then opening to double check on her.

I’m tired. I know that parents are supposed to be tired, but McKinley just doesn’t sleep well alone. Some nights she ends up in our bed. Ok, most nights.

I won’t let her cry, even if everyone says she’s playing me. I did for one night, and yes, after 7 minutes she went back to sleep. But until she can tell me what her cries mean, why should I ignore them? Maybe she has nightmares. Maybe her mattress is uncomfortable. Maybe she has a belly ache. I don’t like to sleep alone, so I’m not sure why I make her.

The monitor lights up, I hear her little cry. Grab my glasses and my phone (Thank you, God, for smart phones), and I rescue her. When she cries out, I come to her. Gosh, I’m thankful to know what that feels like.

The days (and nights) are so long. But the years. They are flying by. Soon, this will be a memory. And as odd as it sounds, I don’t want to forget.

Our Weekend

2011-10-08T18:49:00.011-05:00

I sat down on Thursday and drafted a blog post (first since JUNE!) about pretty much nothing, and the deleted it because it just didn't have any substance. Boy, how things can change in a day!

I decided to blog this ordeal so that I could share it with everyone who asks exactly what happened. It's not that I don't want to tell people, I just don't want to miss any details.

McKinley got hurt on Thursday night. She had just had a bath, and I was carrying her into her bedroom to get her dressed. We had just walked into her room when she literally jumped out of my arms. She jumped over the top of my arm, and I tried to catch her by her legs, but I couldn't. She fell onto her faux hardwood/laminate floor and smacked her head hard on the floor. She started crying immediately, and I was hysterical. I ran her out to Aaron and asked him to hold her while I composed myself. By the time I went out to the living room to check on her, she was playing with Aaron, laughing and acting completely normal. I checked her pupils, felt the back of her head for a bump and found nothing. She and I slept in the living room on Thursday night so that I could monitor her incase she started vomiting. She ate and slept just like normal and got up on Friday morning at 7:30. She ate and played all morning long, and I kept feeling the back of her head for a bump and I never felt anything.

Around 1:00 pm, I sat down to nurse McKinley in hopes of getting her down for a nap. As I was playing with her hair, I noticed that her head was very soft on one side. I immediately freaked out, called her pediatrician and left a message with the nurse to have the Dr call me. In the meantime, I called Aunt Jen to come to our house and just help me stay calm. She suggested I pack my bag in case the pediatrician sent us to the hospital overnight, so I was able to get a bag for me and McKinley packed while she held McKinley, who, by the way, was still acting completely normal.

The pediatrician called and said to take McKinley straight to the ER because she wouldn't be able to tell anything without a CT Scan. We settled in at the ER and had an evaluation from the doctor, who then ordered the scan. They wanted her as still as possible without sedating her, so they wrapped her like a mummy and taped her head down to the table. I held onto her with all my might and sang as loud as I could to comfort her while they did the scan. Another one of my fabulous aunts, Heather, had come by with her kids and they were there for comfort and support and when the doctor came in with the results of the scan, I was so thrilled that they were there.

The Attending came in and said that the CT showed that McKinley had fractured her skull and had some bleeding, which is what caused the side of her head to be soft. They said they wanted to monitor her for a while to make sure things didn't get worse, but that they didn't have the facilities to do that. They then informed me that they would be transferring her to the University of Chicago, which made me nervous, but not terrified. The part where I became terrified is when they told me that they were air lifting her. At 5:00 pm on a Friday afternoon, the last place you want to be if you have a brain injury is stuck in traffic on the Skyway. Actually, I can't think of any time you'd want to be stuck in traffic on the Skyway, but hey, it's Chicago. What can you do.

So they called for the helicopter from Comer Childrens Hospital at the University of Chicago, and found that they would be there in 15 minutes. They had just enough time to get an IV started and do another CT Scan of her neck to check for any issues before they Life Flight crew arrived. During all of this, and I'm not sure of the details, my aunt contacted Aaron and my mom, and they were both on their way. I had our car, so my uncle was driving Aaron to the hospital, and my mom was on her way from Ohio. From phone call to car was 3 minutes, she threw some random things in a bag and flew out the door. She drove to my brother's house, where he jumped in and took over driving. Mimi was very shaken and it's probably best that she wasn't driving.

The Flight crew arrived and began doing their preparations. They went over her medical history and I had to sign papers allowing my 13 month old to be transported by helicopter. I know I cried, a lot, but I didn't really have time to freak out because they needed me to stay calm so that McKinley didn't get worked up. With a brain trauma, they wanted to keep her blood pressure as constant as possible, so my crying wasn't going to help at all.

Aaron arrived and came in the room to hug her, we kissed her and watched them strap her to the board to make sure her neck and head stayed stable for the flight. She was then wheeled out and placed in the ambulance, then driven to the helicopter. We gathered our things and went out to the car, watched for her to take off, and then left (note - takes 8 minutes to fly from Crown Point to UofC by helicopter. EIGHT. WHOA.). We had been advised to take our time because once she arrived, she was going to be met by a pedicatric trauma team, and they had a lot of tests to do before we would even be able to see her.

We didn't really waste any time, and it still took us over an hour to get there. When we arrived, she had just been transferred to an ER room and was waiting for us. They said that she screamed the entire time, and never calmed down until she saw us. I was so heartbroken to hear this, but it's one of those things you just have to do as a parent. Obviously, I asked if I could ride along and for liability reasons, I couldn't. I knew this, but they were taking my BABY! I had to ask. Just in case.

They gave us an update - she had no neck injury so she didn't need to wear a collar. They did a full body scan just to be sure she didn't have any other issues, and it came back clear. We waited in the ER for 2 hours before being transferred to the PICU open unit. My mom and brother showed up with my aunt and uncle and we were able to visit with them for a while before being transferred. By they time we got to our bed in the unit, visiting hours were over, so they came home. But it was so good to have someone there to comfort us. We were still so scared and unsure of what was to come.

She was NPO (couldn't eat/nurse) so getting her to sleep was going to be a struggle. {She was NPO just in case something happened to her and they needed to intubate. They also gave her anti-seizure meds and the side effects are nausea and vomiting, and if she vomited, they wanted to know that it wasn't from eating too much, or something I ate that affected her.} After holding her for hours and then trying to get her to sleep without nursing, the nurse suggested I lay her in the crib to see if she would settle down. She thought that thing was a jungle gym. She loved playing in there, but we were worried she would hit her head, so we had to wrap the bars in blankets.

She finally caved around 1:30 am and after not sleeping more than 30 minutes since 7:30 am, she fell asleep. I was able to transfer her to the crib and grab an hour of sleep. She woke up and I was again able to get her back down. At 4 am, the nurse had to wake her to check her pupils, and she thankfully went right back to sleep. Again at 6 am, they had to wake her, she was NOT PLEASED and she wanted them to know! After 20 minutes of fighting it, she went back to sleep. (Note the padded crib bars - haha)

Around 7:15, the Neurosurgery team came in and assessed her, called for another CT Scan, and removed the NPO order. I was thrilled to be able to nurse her back to sleep, but WAIT. Now that she's awake, lets draw blood and do the CT Scan and order breakfast for mom and dad and check all vitals and meet the new staff after shift change. And then the Social Worker showed up. I knew that she would be coming by, but it still hurt my heart a lot. She asked her routine questions, and watched Aaron and I interact with McKinley. She explained that anytime a child under age 2 comes in with an injury, they do the evaluation. She informed us that she would meet with the Child Abuse Doctor and they would discuss our case and get back to us. Around 9, I was able to finally nurse her and she went to sleep for about an hour. I left to go brush my teeth and try to pull myself together and she stopped by while I was gone, letting Aaron know that we were cleared.

(Don't get too bored - we get to leave soon!)

My mom and Aunt Jen showed up just as she was waking up. The PICU Attending came in and said that the CT Scan showed no change from yesterday, which is the best news in this situation. They wanted her to eat regular food and keep it down, perform a final examination on her, and see her put pressure on her legs. She was too annoyed to walk, but she put weight on her legs which was good enough! She ate some spaghetti, got it all over my mom and the floor, kept it down, and was released! The nurse came in to unhook BOTH IV's and all of the monitors she had to wear, and we were OUTTA THERE. We go back in one month to meet with the Pediatric Neurosurgeon to check on the fracture, which should heal on it's own. The blood should reabsorb, and as it does, the swelling will go down.

YOU carried me, us. YOU lifted us in prayer, thought about us, wished us well. Facebooked to your friends about us, tweeted us to your followers, activated your church prayer chain, sent texts to check in. You assured us everything would be okay. We are so incredibly thankful. I wish I could thank each one of you individually, but I don't even know where to start. I can only explain that the peace we felt was an answer to prayer. There is no other explaination for why I wasn't a complete basketcase the entire weekend.

***Questions that I just didn't know where to put: Why did they air lift her? Why couldn't they observe her at the local hospital? Because of her age and head trauma, they wanted to have her monitored every 2 hours through the night, followed by a CT Scan. IF the scan would have shown things getting worse, they would've had to transfer her anyhow. As a precautionary measure, they did it early on. Also, there is not a Pedicatric Neurosurgery department at the hospital, only a Neonatal Neuorosurgeon (5 times, fast. Go.)
Any other questions, or if something doesn't make sense, please let me know. I wanted to get it all down while it was fresh in my memory.

Small Style

2011-06-02T11:02:00.007-05:00

Dusting off the ole blog to participate in Mama Loves Papa's Small Style. {thanks to Steph and Lovelyn for introducing me to this!}

Nothing quite like a little tushie covered in ruffles.

Yellow ruffle butt onesie, Babyworks via Zulily (from Mimi)
Denim jacket - Faded Glory (WalMart)
Leg Warmers - Circo (Target)
"I Love Blogs" hair clip - Sweet Harper

A long time.

2011-03-28T23:20:00.004-05:00

Where do you start when you haven't been here in a while (a long time?)? Do you just word-vomit on the screen and hope that people can keep up? Just write and write and write until the words are on the screen and they fall off the screen and make sense but don't?

There have been some great big changes around here in the past few weeks. I asked my blog designer if she was up for redoing my blog and she said YES, OF COURSE. But I have to figure out what I want and how I want it to look and I really just want to start over and do a white screen with black letters and nothing fancy. I've been craving simplicity more and more. I want less and less.

Clean. Crisp. Straight lines.

I have thought of tracking my day and putting it here, as if anyone would care what life looks like for me, but just incase. I always like to hear how my peers spend their days, chasing after toddlby's and nursing infants and changing diapers and how often do you bathe your kids. But I start to track my day and then I forget to write something down and then I feel like a liar if I just try to remember-slash-make something up?, so I throw it out and don't start over for many weeks. Then I stop blogging. I want to start again, but where?

I'm gonna give this a try again. Hopefully more consistently. Anything you want to know about, say, the last 7 months?

Winner

2011-03-01T16:38:00.002-06:00

The winner of the Medela Labeling and Storage System was Waitingforbby@yahoo.com! She was contacted by email and has already responded, so watch for your storage system in the mail!

Thanks to all who entered - I wish I could gift every one of you with something special.

Medela Breastmilk Labeling and Storage System

2011-02-25T15:13:00.003-06:00

Thanks to Medela, I was given the opportunity to review a breastmilk labeling and storage system, pictured below.

The storage system is came with two bottles that have special lids on them that are changeable to show the day of the week and time (am/pm) that the milk was pumped. This is a useful function, but would be improved by including more bottles with the system. As you can see in the picture, the tray has room to hold 6 bottles of pumped milk, which we utilized by using our own bottles that came with my pump.

I think the idea of the labeling and storage system is a useful one. Admittedly, I do not ever have 6 bottles of milk in the fridge at one time, but if you are someone who only uses fresh milk and doesn't freeze your milk, this would be a great system to keep it all in one place, and make sure that the bottles get used in the order they were pumped - just take the bottle from the front!

Medela has provided me with one of these storage systems to give to one of my readers, so if you are a breastfeeding/pumping mom, or an expectant mom, please leave a comment here and I will pick a winner at noon on Sunday, 2/27/11!

**All opinions are my own. I was provided with this product to use and review, and a product to giveaway. I was not monitarily compensated for this review and/or giveaway.

2010 In Review

2011-01-09T20:30:00.000-06:00

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Had an IV. Had a baby. Nursed. Nursed over a car seat in a moving car while McKinley stayed strapped in her seat. Nursed in a restaurant. Nursed in Target. Nursed in Meijer. Nursed in the mall. Babywore (?) Wore my baby. In my house. In the mall. All of the above mentioned stores. So many baby/McKinley/parenting related things I can’t even list. I can’t think of anything else. At least, that isn’t related to being a new mother.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

I didn’t make any, so YES! Good for me!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

Meet my daughter, McKinley:

My nephew, Asher:

My SIL had a baby girl, Abigail. And about 10 of my closest twitter buddies.

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Dear God, I wish this question didn’t exist. And I wish I could skip it. But 2010 wouldn’t have been the best and worst year of my life without questions #3 and #4.

My Uncle Jamey died on May 11th.

My father-in-law Rich died on May 24th.

To say that May, 2010 was the worst month of my life is an understatement.

I wasn’t able to fully grieve either of these losses until very recently, due to being 7 months pregnant at the time. I knew I needed to stay well for myself and for McKinley.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. 

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Patience, love towards others, financial security.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Tuesday, May 11

Monday, May 24

Friday, August 13, McKinley's Birthday!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Having a baby, yo.

9. What was your biggest failure?

At the time, I felt like a failure for not being everything for Aaron after his dad’s passing. I now look back and realize that in that moment, I was everything I could be. I HAD to take care of myself for the sake of “the baby”. There were times that I could have, should have been more patient and understanding of his grief, and I wish I would have been. But I can’t change it.

And every year going forward, my biggest failure will be that I lived such a selfish life (read: massive debts) prior to becoming a mother, that I will have to allow someone else to care for McKinley while I work a full-time job. Ugh. My heart hurts.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Only self-inflicted, you know, recovery from a c-section.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Diapers, wipes, butt paste.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Diapers, wipes, butt paste. Actually, I’m sure it was to eating out. Which will change this year. Cause we have to pay for day care and stuff.

And repayment on Student Loans.

And my car payment. Come on, December 2011. Mama wants a mini-van.

13. What did you get really excited about?

Having a BABY!

Being a MOM!

CHRISTMAS!

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?

I don’t know.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you: 

– happier or sadder? Both. Which is incredible and heartbreaking at the exact same time.

– thinner or fatter? Er, fatter.

– richer or poorer? :womp, womp: poorer

16. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Saved money. Ugh. Saved some freakin’ money.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Spent money. I feel like this is getting boring and repetitive. How about, complained? Cried? I just feel like some of those complaints and tears were totally warranted. I’m such a Debby Downer.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With our families, smiling through the first Christmas without our loved ones, and sharing the joy that everyone felt having McKinley present.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

How I Met Your Mother, Cupcake Wars, Desperate Housewives, The Biggest Loser

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

I mostly read books preparing me for motherhood, the titles of which I couldn’t tell you. And also “On The Night You Were Born”, which brings me to big, blubbering messy tears. Every time.

21. What was your favorite music from this year? 

I am not enough of a seasoned musical lover to answer this correctly. I’d probably put down a song that actually came out in 2008.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Again, I am not a movie watcher. My favorite movies that I watched in 2010 were probably from 2009. Or earlier.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My birthday was on a Monday. I worked. Aaron and McKinley took me to Boston’s Pizza for lunch. I turned 29.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Heh. I love my daughter. She is the best gift I have ever received. Not having to work so that I could spend every day with her would have made my year immeasurably more satisfying.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Maternity clothes. Followed by yoga pants.

26. What kept you sane?

I’m not. :wink:

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. 

EVERY. BREATH. COUNTS. You never, EVER know when you will say “bye” to someone for the very last time. And also that being a mother is the single greatest thing/feeling/emotion/job in the entire world.

Thankful...

2010-11-24T09:53:00.005-06:00

I am thankful for this day. Thankful to God, for new mercies every morning.

For cuddle time with McKinley before coming to work. Thankful that our breastfeeding relationship has been successful. Thankful that she is good baby, who likes to sleep and smile. I am thankful for my husband, who hung a new shower curtain and took out the bathroom trash last night. Thankful that he is quick to forgive. I am thankful for our home and our new furnace. I am thankful that our utilities bill was $70 last month.

I am thankful for my family. For my parents and their generosity, their giving attitudes. I am thankful that they love our daughter. I am thankful for my siblings, who can always make me laugh. For inside jokes, and for the relationship with them. To call them "brother" and "sister" and to be addressed as "sister" in return. I am thankful for aunts who bring food to our home after a trying time, who call to sing you happy birthday every year for 29 years, who take you on their Black Friday shopping trip for 13 years even though you're a neice, not a sister. Thankful for uncles who make me laugh. Thankful for grandparents who give until it hurts, and then give more.

I am thankful for my freedom. For my brother, uncle, grandpa, brothers-in-law, friends and strangers, who fight every.single.day. to allow me the freedom to live in America, to be free, to worship God.

I am thankful for my job. Thankful that I have a job. Thankful that I can bring McKinley to work with me if I need/want to. That I can wear yoga pants. That I can take calls on my cell phone and leave to go to the bank. Thankful for coworkers who drive me crazy because they are like family.

Thankful that I have a car that runs. Thankful for a cell phone that allows me to keep in constant contact with friends, and other moms who support me. Thankful for social media, and for my Twitter friends who answer questions and keep me company at 2, 3, 4, 5 am. I am thankful that I have enough money to stop at Starbucks, and even though they don't fit right, I am thankful for the clothes I have.

I am thankful for all things today, and am trying to have this attitude everyday. I am thankful that you are here.

Random Act of Kindness Scentsy Fundraiser

2010-11-19T09:36:00.009-06:00

In the spirit of the season, when we all talk about giving to others, I present you with an opportunity, a challenge.

I have a dear friend who I want to help, to make her Christmas a little easier, better, brighter. I won't name names (because she doesn't know I'm doing this), but I want to help her. I want US to help her.

From now until the end of November, I am donating ALL PROCEEDS of all Scentsy sales generated from this project to this sweet friend. Chances are, if you've been around here a while, you know this friend, and love her as I do.

I would love to talk with you about the Scentsy system. There are so many reasons I love the Scentsy products, and I think if you give them a try, you will to. Email me and we can chat. Back to the project...

To place an order for this project, please take a look around my website, then email me at nataliejcline (at) yahoo (dot) com. The order will be shipped straight to your home, and you'll know that you've played a role in making someone's Christmas a little bit brighter.

If you have friends or family members who would enjoy the Scentsy product, please pass this information on.

I know funds are tight this time of year for us all. I just feel that I've been given the opportunity to use my business to bless a friend, and all I'm asking for a is a little help.

The Internet has opened the door for some amazing friendships, and I am so thankful for the wonderful people who've become my friends because of it. Now, I'm paying it forward.

Additionally, everyone who places an order will have their name entered in a drawing for a $10 Scentsy giftcard. If you're not in a place to give, please leave a comment on this post about something you plan to do this Christmas season to make a difference in someone's life. Your comment will earn you an entry in the giftcard drawing.

**All proceeds from sales generated from this blog post will be donated to one of my friends, to make her Christmas brighter. If you would like to know who this person is prior to making a purchase, please contact me at nataliejcline (at) yahoo (dot) com. In the interest of keeping things fun, I will ask you to keep the information I provide you confidential. For your purchase to apply to this cause, you must email me your order by 6:00 pm, November 30, 2010. Thank you so very much. Merry Christmas.

Zzzzooooommmmmmmm

2010-11-18T15:42:00.004-06:00

My house is not clean. My sink is full. I've been wearing these jeans for 3 days. I could lie and tell you that I've got this motherhood thing down, that I am able to wash dishes while breastfeeding McKinley in the sling. But I don't do that.

Right now, I work full-time. McKinley gets wonderful care from her dad, and he has nicknamed his job "Karing for Kinley". He sings songs from the Mickey Mouse Club and Handy Manny, and he's gotten good at putting together a bottle with one hand. When I get home from work each night, I just want to hold my girl. I probably could wash dishes and do laundry and vacuum while wearing Kiki in the sling, or just in my arms, but I don't want to.

********************************

McKinley turned 3 months old last Saturday. I can't quite figure out where the last 3 months have gone. I don't remember what life was like without her. I know that sounds so cliche but I really mean it.

She sits in her Bebe Pod and holds her head up for about 10 minutes at a time. She lays on her play mat and swats at the toys hanging down. She sleeps like a champ.

She loves her fingers, mostly her middle and ring finger. They are in her mouth most of the time and she drools all over the place.

Last night, I saw two little teeth, anxious to make their arrival.

My baby is growing up. And it's going by so. fast.

Each night, I wash just enough dishes to get through the next day. Usually, this means pump parts and bottles. And I wear my pants for multiple days because I don't want to spend hours in the laundry room and risk missing a single thing.

{Don't tell, but they're more comfortable after a couple of days anyhow.}

McKinley's 3rd month

I'm Dreaming of Christmas Cards!

2010-10-25T13:05:00.008-05:00

McKinley is 10 weeks old already. I’m not quite sure where the time has gone, but we’ve truly enjoyed every minute of it! I’ve taken approximately 2000 pictures of her, and really need to stay on top of printing them out and putting them in frames or books. Otherwise, I end up with 2000 pictures on my computer.

She had her picture taken by my friend Crookedeyebrow when she was 10 days old. She was a perfect little model, and we had a hard time choosing a picture for her birth announcement. We finally agreed on the perfect picture (there were SO MANY GREAT ones to choose from!) and then had to choose the perfect announcement!

My mom has had really good luck with Shutterfly in the past, and has ordered Christmas cards as well as photo gifts, so she told me to check out their website. I scoured the “girl announcements” and narrowed it down to 4 different styles before making Aaron decide because I couldn’t.pick.just.one.

We finally agreed on the Sincere Embrace Design and I would show it to you, but I haven’t exactly mailed them out yet and I think I should show my family first. Heh.

Now, thanks to the Clever Girls Collective, I’m being given the opportunity to receive my Christmas cards from Shutterfly! I checked out the selection over the weekend, and it seems I’m going to have a hard time choosing this card too! I’ve narrowed it down to my favorite three, and will be happy to take your opinions into consideration (I am so bad at making these decisions!).

My top three choices are:

Mod Ornaments

All Wrapped Up

Snow Flurries Cocoa

Now all we need is a photo to add to the card and we’ll be all set. Which just means more decisions to make!

Shutterfly is a great option for Christmas cards, Christmas Invitations for those festive holiday parties, and thank you cards so Grandma knows you appreciated her gift! They also have an excellent selection of birthday invitations, birth announcements, and trendy greeting cards. Whether you prefer traditional or modern designs, Shutterly really does have something for everyone.

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Dream A Little Dream

2010-10-23T09:06:00.004-05:00

I just don't want to forget...

I've had 2 dreams about my Uncle Jamey since his passing. The first was when I was staying at my parents house and it was very brief and didn't make me feel anything but that I missed him.

But last night, oh, I felt him. And I felt comforted, like he's alright. It was...good.

I turned the corner and was walking on the road back to my parents house, on a route I used to walk for exercise or to think. I was alone.

I heard someone yell my name, and I turned around to see him walking toward me. Wearing jeans and a plaid, casual, button down shirt.

"Hi Sweetie. What's up?"

"Oh! I had the baby! Her name is McKinley! She's beautiful! Aaron and I are good!"

I just kept shouting things to him, and he just smiled as I rambled on. Much like he did when I was younger, or when he would teach me how to play "Password" and I wouldn't understand the directions and he'd tell me 6 times and never get frustrated.

He didn't say anything else. He just continued to walk, faster than me, but was turned around looking at me, smiling, the whole time. A big smile. A genuine smile. An "I'm Alright" smile.

I didn't run to catch up with him, I just let him walk.

And then he was gone.

And I woke up and I cried because I miss him, but I felt such a sense of peace about him. He's alright. And we're going to be alright.

Hear that, sweet family?

He's alright.

And we're going to be alright.

The Story of Us

2010-10-07T20:53:00.008-05:00

McKinley,

The story of how you joined our family is incredible and miraculous and beautiful and I would do it again a million times to have you sleeping beside me right now, and for the last 8 weeks. This is our story.

On Monday, August 9, 2010 (8/9/10) I went to my OB for my 40 week appointment. The nurse checked me out and found that I wasn't dilated, so the doctor wouldn't be able to sweep my membranes or do anything to encourage labor. He told me to come back on Thursday, and that we would discuss an induction if I hadn't made any changes.

Daddy took the day off of work on Thursday to go with me to the doctor, and we got to listen to your little heartbeat during a non-stress test for almost 30 minutes. That sound was so beautiful to my ears.

The nurse checked me after the non-stress test, and found that I was still not dilated. She called my doctor, who allowed for me to be induced that evening. My doctor lives in a different town than the hospital I wanted to have you at, and suggested the hospital by his house, so that he could be there in time for your arrival. I agreed, but as soon as we got out to the car, I started crying that it wasn't what I had wanted! So your dad called the doctor back and said that we were going to the hospital I wanted to have you at, the hospital where you were born.

We went out to lunch at TGIFridays, and then went home and tried to take a nap. I couldn't sleep because I was so excited to finally meet you!

Our induction was scheduled to begin that night, Thursday, August 12, 2010 at 10pm. We found a parking spot, and daddy helped me carry all of my things into the hospital. It must've looked like we were moving in. I had a bag for you and one for me, my computer, my camera, and a few pillows. I overpack. All. The. Time.

I was given a medicine called Cervadil at 10pm to soften my cervix. It was left in for 12 hours, and on Friday morning, I was started on Pitocin, which would hopefully cause me go to into labor. I walked the halls of the hospital with our doula and friend Rachel, I bounced on the birthing ball, I visited with Daddy and Mimi and Aunt Paytie. I was having some mild discomfort, but certainly not contractions, and certainly not anything painful.

At 4pm on Friday afternoon, my doctor came to check on me. He assessed me, and found that not only was I still not dilated, but that my cervix was still very hard. He then ordered an ultrasound so that we could see how big you were. It would be the last time I would see you on the screen. I cry just thinking about that time, where it was still just you and me and I didn't have to share you with the world.

And this is where I made a decision that I do not regret, but I know that some of my friends will find weird, even appalling.

My doctor told me that he would allow me to labor for 24 more hours, with the pitocin and lots of walking, and we could hope for things to progress on their own. Or, he would do a c-section that evening. And I chose the c-section.

So the nurse gave Daddy some scrubs, and I got ready to meet you. I was taken to the operating room, and the nurses there were incredible. I was crying while they were getting me ready to meet you, not because I was scared, but because I couldn't believe that I would be holding you soon. They brought Daddy into the room and he sat beside me and held my hand. Just a few minutes later, the doctor said "Look at all that hair!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I said "My baby? My baby has hair??" and they all sorta laughed because of course he was talking about my baby. He was talking about you.

The nurse brought you over to me right away and I was able to kiss you and tell you how much I loved you and how I couldn't believe that you were finally here! Daddy was crying and Mommy was crying and it was your birthday! You were born at 6:14pm on 8/13/2010, weighing 8lbs., 2oz., and measuring 18 inches long.

Friday the 13th, 2010. The luckiest day of my life.

Daddy went with you to the nursery and helped the nurse weigh and measure you and give you your first bath. When I got back to our room, they brought you right to me. I cried and cried and talked to you and told you how much I loved you. I put you to my breast and gave you your first meal and it was beautiful and incredible. Mimi was there, and Aunt Payton, and Grandma Sonnie. They held you and loved on you, and then they left and our little family stayed behind and got to know each other. It was amazing.

And here we are, 8 weeks later. And there are so many words I would use to describe this time. Beautiful and incredible and breathtaking. We have learned how to be a family of three. We have discovered that our love for you knows no bounds. We have watched you smile and learn to "coo" and find your fingers and flail your arms and legs about. We have a wonderful breastfeeding relationship.

You've been to Ohio twice, stayed in a hotel, and been to a Toledo (Mommy's team!) and Purdue (Daddy's team!) football game. (They were playing each other. It was a win-win situation.)

Our memories are just beginning, baby girl. And we can't wait to make millions more! McKinley, you will never, ever know how much Mommy & Daddy love you.

This is our story.

Ette

2010-09-29T22:49:00.006-05:00

We’d gone back and forth, back and forth on a name and middle name for Tiny Dancer.

We had a name picked out, and then found out she was a girl, and our favorite girl name wasn’t our favorite anymore.

We looked at websites and books that Aaron claims were not created for people with normal baby names (we actually saw the name “Baby” listed as a girl’s name) and then threw the books on the floor and gave up.

And then one day, it just came to me. I loved it and he loved it and we loved the way it sounds with our last name and SHE HAD A FIRST NAME!

But she needed a middle name that fit with her first and last name and that also met the qualifications for middle-naming-a-girl on my mom’s side of the family. The tradition is for each of us to have a middle name that ends in “ette” and if you follow me on Twitter or know my email address, you’ve probably figured by now that my middle name is Janette. My mom is Lynette, my sister is Yvette and my aunts and cousins are Suzette’s and Collette’s and Danette’s and lots of things in-between.

{In order, from my oldest aunt to my youngest cousin: Annette, Lynette, Suzette, Collette, Mynette, Janette, Lynette, Yvette, Annette, Danette, Colette} (Yes, there are repeats. Some are after their own mother, others are named after an aunt.)

Aaron's mom's middle name is Lynn and since my mom's middle name is Lynette, it made sense that our daughter's middle name would be Lynette.

But you know that her middle name isn't Lynette.

Aaron called me one afternoon and suggested the name "Jolette". He had talked with his dad about how my family had the "ette" tradition but he wanted it to be unique, something that no other female had already. Aaron's dad suggested Jolette, which incorporated the "ette" and Aaron's middle name, Joel.

I admit, I wasn't immediately in love with it, mostly because I wanted us to name our daughter and not have influence from someone else. This is part of the reason I didn't want to tell anyone her name before she was born.

Aaron's dad passed away a couple of weeks later.

He'd known our daughter as McKinley Jolette.

We didn't really even talk about her name after that. I just knew that it would be so important to Aaron that we used the name his dad suggested.

And so she is.

It fits her perfectly, our sweet Kinley Jo.

one month.

2010-09-14T23:09:00.006-05:00

mckinley turned one month old yesterday.

i don't have adequate words for the feelings i experience every time i look at our daughter.

has it been one month already?

the only postpartum depression i've experienced is knowing that i have to go back to work. i'm not making light of postpartum depression, i'm being serious. i can't stand that i have to go to work and be away from my best girlfriend. we have a pretty good deal, though, and she'll be able to go to work with me for the first couple weeks i'm back. then daddy will be home with her during the winter because his job is seasonal. when he goes back to work in march, we'll have to figure something out, but i can't live in anticipation of that time. i have to enjoy this time, and be thankful for this day.

i should probably write out her birth story so i don't forget any details. and i need to tell you the story behind her name. but for now, i want to look at her while she sleeps on my lap. and i need to go fill up my cookie bowl.

The way she smells.

2010-09-06T21:54:00.005-05:00

I cannot hold her close enough, smell her enough, kiss her enough. She smells like sweet milk and the things that heaven must surely be made of. Her cheeks are soft and thick, her eyes dark like the night.

I lift her to my shoulder, she turns her head in toward my neck, and I wonder if she knows that this makes me weak in the knees.

She is my sweet little princess, my best friend.

2010-08-17T15:47:00.005-05:00

Our birth story is just how it was intended to be, exactly what I wanted. I got a baby at the end. And I might be biased, but I think she's pretty much the most beautiful baby in the whole world. Her daddy thinks so too.

McKinley Jolette

8lbs, 2oz., 18 inches (My little peanut)

We are in love.

Very! First! IV!!

2010-08-13T06:00:00.004-05:00

It is so hard to believe that we are here! We have checked into our hospital room, which we are calling "the resort", and we are enjoying being together. You know what this means, right?

It means I'm not in labor yet. Otherwise I wouldn't be so jovial at 6:00 am.

My appointment yesterday showed everything being normal and good, except for my dilation. Not only was my cervix still completely closed, but it is "thick". This isn't a problem, only a roadblock to my girl.

Because my doctor and I decided that 41 weeks would be our cut-off date for this pregnancy, it was time to make a decision.

At 10pm, we arrived at the hospital, I received my *Very!* *First!* IV!! at the ripe young age of nearly 29, and a lovely dose of cervidil. And hospital ice - HOW COULD I FORGET THE HOSPITAL ICE! YUM.

Anyhow, the cervidil stays in for 12 hours, causing some cramping and thinning of the cervix. For some people, it will thin the cervix enough to break the bag of waters and for labor to begin. We're hopeful this is where we'll be at 11am today when they assess the situation.

If that is the case, and labor does not progress on it's own, we will start pitocin. Through my *Very!* *First!* IV!!
***** My childhood and adult fears of anything moving, fast, sharp, dangerous and overall not intended for children over age 12 has provided me with this being my first hospitalization since my own birth in 1981. This whole "IV" thing is new to me, as is the HOSPITAL ICE, OH EM GEE. I think I might stay here an extra day for the ice. Just kidding. Kinda.

Anyhow, if pitocin is needed (and likely will be), they will start that and we will wait. After reaching 4 cm, I will be allowed to transfer to the birthing tub if I wish, and that will help with the pain management.

But I'm not going to get that far ahead of myself. Right now, I'm hanging out with my husband, who is like a child on Christmas morning, as he keeps looking over to me from his chairbed, saying "We're having a baby!" and it is the most darling thing that makes me want to cry.

He even suggested we take a picture together to post on our Facebook accounts and I look like I've no makeup on (check) after a day of 120398 degree temps and humidity (check), and the trauma (not really) of my *Very!* *First!* IV!!

One day does not seem like a long time to invest to have our lives changed FOREVER.

Come on, little one! We're waiting for you! And they have really good ice out here!

The post in which I lose friends.

2010-08-03T09:11:00.003-05:00

I feel like I have to get this off my chest. Because if I don’t, I will forever feel like a liar or a fraud or something equally terrible.

I don’t care how my baby gets here.

I just want her to get here.

I trust my doctor. My husband and I spent a lot, and I mean A LOT of time looking for and researching doctors before getting pregnant. After the horrid experience I had last summer after losing Angel, I was determined to find a doctor who would calm my fears. And my doctor does that. I asked friends, I looked up internet reviews, I interviewed the 2 other doctors before I let finally let one in my pants. And SHOCKER – he’s a he. I haven’t been to a “he” doctor since I was 16 and didn’t know any differently.

But I trust him. I like him. We have a great relationship. And after getting a positive pregnancy test (December 1), I called his office and he got me right in (December 6). He let me see the beginning of the beautiful relationship, a small speck on a screen, and the tears rolled down my face. Some doctors don’t do ultrasounds that early. Mine did.

And yes, I've had quite a few ultrasounds. I know there are studies that you can have too many, and some people choose not to have any at all, and I respect each person’s decision to have as many or as few as they wish. I lay in bed crying many, many nights during those first weeks, because the headaches seemed all too familiar of the ones I had last summer. The cramping scared the bejesus out of me, and I thought on many occasions that I was losing my baby.

To me, pregnancy equaled loss. All I’d ever known is that you try for awhile (or sometimes a long time) to get pregnant, and then you lose your baby and your hope.

Fortunately, this pregnancy has been uncomplicated, short of an appointment where we couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, so we opted for yet another ultrasound (she was fine), and from then on out, everything checked out okay at each appointment.

But the fear, the overwhelming fear, that each time I walked into his office, they wouldn’t find her heartbeat – it consumed me. We are very blessed that she is okay, that she has made it this far.

**************************

I don’t know how to convey the following information. I thought about “vlogging” (Heaven help us all), but I can’t talk about it without crying.

I am not a martyr for pregnancy. I do not want sympathy, or apologies. I want UNDERSTANDING, as much as possible. The external factors in my life during my pregnancy have sucked. They would suck for someone who wasn’t pregnant. My lamenting that “I’m so tired” has nothing, and I mean NOTHING to do with getting up to pee 4 times a night. My frustration that I need a day off of work has NOTHING to do with me having sore feet or a sore back. My desire to hold my daughter in my arms has NOTHING to do with me wanting to be “unpregnant”.

I choose not to divulge too much information at the respect of my family and my in-laws. But my uncle didn’t just die. He was 41 years young and he chose to die and it’s literally killing my family. He didn’t think. He didn’t think what it would do to us and what it would do to my step-dad, who was his very best friend in the world and he didn’t know that it would cause my grandpa to have a heart attack and my sweet, adorable brother and sister to both fall into cycles of depression. He didn’t know that people would have to come along side those he left behind and make sure they were okay. HE DIDN’T KNOW. And we didn’t know how things would go, we only knew that we had to move forward. We had to keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other, even when we were consumed with grief and sadness and anger. We were angry. We were confused. We still are angry and confused.

My husband and parents and family were very concerned for me to be around so much grief and frustration and sadness. They tried so hard to shield me from it. But at his funeral, I sat between my husband and my sister and I tried to hold it together for my BABY, the one person who kept us all going. My brother sat one seat over from my sister and I spent the entire hour placing my hand on the backs of three people who I love more than anything, trying to console them, all the while thinking “when I’m done being pregnant, and the baby is out of danger, I am going to have to grieve this loss. I just can’t do it right now.” And people rubbed my stomach and I was a “welcome distraction”. We left the funeral, and Aaron and I drove back to our home and tried to move on. And I would wake in the middle of the night, overcome with grief and anxiety and I would sit on the bed and cry and plead and question and scream and become exhausted, NOT because of being 27 weeks pregnant, but because of the situation.

And then, AND THEN, 13 days later, I answered my cell phone and my husband said to me “My dad died”. And I couldn’t wrap my mind around those words and I just sat at my desk and looked at the computer for a minute. He said it again, and I kept saying “no. no no no no no no no no why is this happening to us?!?!?!?!?” And we left work and went home and stared at each other and he cried and I could do NOTHING to console my very best friend who had just lost his very best friend and my world was crashing down around me and oh, I was 29 weeks pregnant.

I cleaned the toilet. I didn’t know what else to do. I was losing control of everything in my life that had been so wonderful and so perfectly packaged. I was going to have a baby and she was going to be healthy and then my world was flipped upside down and I lost control and didn't know how we were (are?) going to make it without them both.

So I cleaned the toilet.

And without divulging too much information out of respect for my in-laws, I will say that the next days and weeks were full of sacrifice on my husband’s and his brother’s part to make sure that their father got the respectful funeral that he so deserved. We entertained family and friends and once again, I got to play the part of “welcome distraction” and answer the questions hundreds of times: “29 weeks. Girl. Yes, excited”.

My brother and sister-in-law went back to their home, and Aaron and I carried on. Mostly I carried on and he grieved. And he grieved so hard, for so long, and he’s still grieving and I’m still trying to be the wind beneath his wings because I’m his wife and that’s my duty. And I work and I come home and I love him and take care of him and I do these things with a joyful heart because it’s my calling, but dang. I am tired. And I don’t mean that this pregnancy is making me tired. I don’t mean that I’m done being pregnant. I know that it’s hard to take care of a newborn and I probably won’t get any sleep and she’s easier to take care of inside of my body than outside. I know these things. And I’m not saying that I won’t struggle and I’m sure I’ll cry plenty of tears. I get it. But it is overwhelming to deal with these issues as well as being 27-39 weeks pregnant. There is overwhelming pressure to be the one to "make it all right", to be the one to bring "joy" to the family (and no, that is not her name). It is overwhelming to hear that everything will be okay once the baby gets here, and to know that I am the one who has to make sure that's she's okay until then. THIS is why I'm tired. THEY are all depending on ME to bring HER.

For these next days, please understand that it is not nearly as important to me HOW she gets here, but that she just does. There are different parts of life, parenting, that are important to us all. For example, it is not important to me to cloth diaper my daughter because I will be working 50 hours a week as soon as I come back to work. I don’t want to deal with extra laundry. There are those who will say it’s worth it in the long run, but it’s not to me and my family.

And I will have my baby when and how my husband, myself, and my doctor decide. If she wants to surprise us and come early, then we will welcome her with open, loving arms. And if not, then we will decide when we want to encourage her to come out. But I don’t want to feel like I have to justify that to anyone. I am an adult. I trust my doctor. This should be enough for me and I’ve allowed people to make me feel like it’s not enough or not okay. And I have to change that, because the rest of my life will be full of people telling me I’m doing something wrong when it comes to raising my kids. I guess that’s why we should all just have our own, so that we can decide how, who, when, where, what. In every aspect.

Thank you for your advice and the answers to the millions of questions I’ve asked throughout my pregnancy. I have disabled Twitter from my cell phone and deleted Tweetdeck off both my personal and work computers. I will let you know when she has arrived, and am excited to share with you the information about her and her beautiful name and why it was chosen and what it means to us, especially in light of the things we've been handed.

Emails are certainly welcome, but I cannot guarantee when or if I will respond. I vow to spend the next 10 days focusing on me, and my husband, this sweet baby girl and our new family.

A letter to my daughter.

2010-07-28T10:35:00.003-05:00

My dear sweet girl,

There is so much I want to say, but I don't know where to start. Thank you for taking care of your sister on her birthday. You know, sometimes I think you just know what I need and sometimes you know what I don’t need. Yesterday was her birthday. And while I thought it would be perfect to gain a daughter on the day I lost a daughter, you knew better than me that July 27th is Angel’s day. Thank you for letting us keep that as her special day. I promise your day will be so, so special too.

I had a good day yesterday. It started with an ultrasound where I got to see you and my, oh, my – You are so beautiful. I watched you wiggle around, and am still amazed that you’ve found room to do so. The technician was able to show me your beautiful beating heart and your sweet little fingers. You seemed annoyed with us, however, as you kept your hand covering your face while we were trying to take your picture. It’s okay. Sometimes I don’t like to have my picture taken either.

I left the hospital with a very blurry picture of you, almost unable to make out your features (because of your hand being over your face), but every time I look at it, I get tears in my eyes. Soon, I will be able to see you face to face, and will feel your perfect little fingers wrap around mine.

I did have a brief moment where my emotions washed over me while I was watching you. I didn’t realize when I scheduled my ultrasound (for yesterday) that I had my very first ultrasound one year ago today. It didn’t tell me what I wanted it to, but there was so much left to be said. Oh, yes. So much.

I know you’ll come when you’re ready. Just wanted to let you know that we can’t wait to meet you. (And July really is a great month to have a birthday. Wink, wink.)

Love,
Mama

Belly Love.

2010-07-26T14:50:00.005-05:00

My friend Crooked Eyebrow took some maternity photos for me a couple of weeks ago. She did an amazing job of making me feel comfortable and beautiful, despite the humidity and excessive temperatures for 5 pm!

(this is my favorite. love love love.)

And maybe tomorrow, I will actually write something instead of just post pictures.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Jamey.

2010-07-20T10:07:00.008-05:00

Not an "old man" uncle like you envision losing when you're 28 years old.

No, actually a young man.

42 years young today.

Miss & love you so much. xoxo.

{dad & uncle jim)

Death. And New Life.

2010-07-16T12:45:00.000-05:00

Death and grief and sadness is not the direction I intended for this blog to go this spring/summer. But? Life. It happens.

As I was laying in bed last Friday night/Saturday morning, wide awake, playing on Twitter and Facebook, I learned that a young man I went to high school with had just passed away. "Just" as in, 1 hour before I woke up. "Just" as in, 28-years-old, with a wife and three children and did I say 28-years-old? Massive seizure, bleeding on the brain, nothing they could do. 28-years-old.

I stared blankly at my phone, trying to understand something that I probably never will. I wasn't "best friends" with Rusty. We didn't "hang out". But I graduated with 76 people. We knew each other. We knew about each other's families and siblings and plans after high school. When I was in the sixth grade, Rusty is the one who told me (in the middle of Mr. Burnett's 5th period science class) that Brandon didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore (I didn't hold that against him, I didn't want to be Brandon's girlfriend anymore anyhow). (I recall a lot of details of this breakup because I'm a detail oriented person. Not because it was the end of the world for the 12-year-old me. Ahem.)

So I closed out the Facebook application, and opened Twitter. Pregnancy insomnia, infants, and sick babies of all ages had many of my friends awake at 4am. It was comical that so many of us were online at the same time, chatting away, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, Megan's water breaks. And she's off to have a baby.

And I just laid there and cried. Rusty died. Megan had a baby. Life. A big circle. It happens.

I don't get it. But, it is. It just, is.

I'm not going to get all Elton John/Lion King on you, but the Circle of Life? Yeah.

"Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round"

Knowing that it's all "part of life" doesn't make death easier. The grief is still overwhelming, from my uncle to my FIL to this man I spent so many hours a day/week/year with. My grief for him is real, while not as intense as that of my family members. But I also grieve for his young wife and 3 young children.

No one thinks that their "mid-life" is 14 or 21 or 29. And yet, in the past 2 months, I've seen it. I don't know if I've hit my "mid-life", passed my "mid-life", or am years away from my "mid-life". But what I DO know is that I don't want to waste a single day. Because not one is granted, not one is promised.

Are you living like you're dying? I think we should do it together. I think it will set us free.

"So if your life flashed before you, What would you wish you would've done?
Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying" ~ Kris Allen, Live Like We're Dying

Putting my (not swollen!) pregnant foot down!

2010-07-04T20:00:00.006-05:00

I love being pregnant. 99% of the time. The other 1% of the time is when people are being annoying.

I'm asked how I feel. I respond "oh, my back hurts a little today, but otherwise, I'm good." And the response is "JUST YOU WAIT! It will only get worse before it gets better! You won't be able to sleep at all in a few weeks. I felt like blah blah blah when I was pregnant for whosit."

Ok. Thank you. So next time someone asks, I will say I'm good.

*next time*

"Oh, I feel good! Thank you for asking!" And the response is "OH, WELL YOU WON'T FEEL GOOD FOR LONG! Soon, you won't be able to sleep or poop or eat or move, you'll just be miserable! Enjoy it while you can!"

Ok. Next time, I will just smile and nod.

*next time*

Smiling. Nodding. "JUST WAIT TILL THAT BABY IS BORN! YOU WON'T EVER SLEEP AGAIN! YOU WON'T EVER TAKE A SHOWER IN PEACE. YOU'LL CHANGE SO MANY POOPY DIAPERS AND YOU'LL JUST BREAKDOWN. YOU'LL NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN AND YOUR BOOBS WILL BE SORE FROM BREASTFEEDING AND DON'T PLAN ON EVER DOING ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF AGAIN FOR THE NEXT 18 YEARS!"

Ok. Next time, I will pretend I don't speak English.

*next time*

"To go, please." Oh crap. That won't work.

Why must every question be followed with the woes and trials and tribulations of pregnancy? It's as if every woman who has ever had a baby is some sort of martyr for labor, delivery, and child rearing. I'm not ready to be done being pregnant. I'm ready to meet my daughter, but I love this time. However? I'm getting sick of people telling me how aweful the rest of my pregnancy is going to be, and how aweful it is to have an infant and how aweful it will be to try to be pregnant with a toddler, should that day come (even though the same woman just told me I'll never have sex again).

It makes me just want to be alone. Or with men. Which never happens.

And to top it off, I ended up in the glorious Labor & Delivery Department of my local hospital TWICE last week. And imagine my frustration when the nurse made me differentiate between pregnancies and babies. "Yes, this is my first baby." "No, this is not my first pregnancy, I had a miscarriage last year."

To which she replied "Miscarriage and Pregnancy are one in the same."

So I punched her in the face. With my uterus. And THEN, I went back to work. (What the heck is wrong with me. Duh. Take the day off, moron.)

But really. I just want a day off. A day I don't have to think or worry or deal or blargh.

My time is coming. Sometime in the next 7 weeks, I will get my day off. But I'll be in labor, which will surely be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And then I'll spend the next 6 weeks not sleeping, with sore boobs, no sex (that one's not a joke), poopy diapers, and begging to take a shower.

But I chose this. I longed for this and prayed for this and would give anything to spend time with my daughter in the middle of the night, and get poop on my hands, and go 3 days without a shower or eating a meal while sitting at a table.

Getting pregnant wasn't a mistake. It was intentional. So please stop trying to make me regret it. It won't happen.

A rant.

2010-07-01T09:25:00.002-05:00

I’m really quite surprised by who makes accommodations for pregnant women. Don’t get me wrong, I can still open my own door (for now), but it is nice to have someone do it for you (pregnant or NOT!). But I am constantly surprised by who my door-holders are, now that I’m (very) visibly pregnant.

Men.

Men whose wives have probably said “HOLD THE DOOR FOR ME, OR I’M NOT GIVING THIS BABY YOUR LAST NAME.”

Young women.

A category that I myself fell into just 9 months ago. There was always something about the way a pregnant woman walked/waddled that made me think I should help her however I could. It had to do with my upbringing. My parents taught me to respect people.

And this is surely a generalization, but I’m super frustrated with the women who are older than me who walk right past me, or allow ME to hold the door open for THEM. As if, during their pregnancy, someone slighted them and didn’t hold the door open for them. Or they think I need to earn my door-held-open-ness. It kinda irks me, if I’m being honest.

I was leaving Panera today and a woman who looked like she was my grandma’s age was entering. Not only did she wait in between the two doors for me to leave, but when I held the door open for her, she didn’t say thank you. I was shocked.

I don't feel like I'm entitled to much, especially not having a stinking door held open. But if I hold the door open for YOU, I do expect a thank you. Don't be rude.

I guess I’m getting grouchy. You’ve been warned.

Our First NST!

2010-06-29T12:25:00.003-05:00

Only for the love of my daughter would I show you this picture. Because really, there are stretch marks that won’t go away no matter what “edit” I try. And even though my stomach feels hard, it doesn’t look it in this picture.

*Sidenote – My stomach gets very hard sometimes. I learned last night, while hooked up to pink and blue, that these are actually contractions. Ha. How about that?

My little one may be a lot like her father, and if you know Aaron, then this will make more sense to you. For very long periods of time, he runs at about 78 miles per hour and he doesn’t ever stop until bed time. But then he is STILL. For a 28-year-old man who I can see, this is fine. For a 34-week-old princess whose presence is only known by her movements, I got freaked out. But don’t worry. She’s fine.

At my regularly scheduled OB appointment last night, it was suggested that I have a Non-Stress Test done due to her lack of movement during the day. I had a small 75 minute taste of what it might be like to be in the hospital. Which was scary but exciting. Outside the door, I heard a dad on the phone, emotion in his voice, repeating over and over "It's a girl!". I was teary just listening to him. She didn't have a name yet, but she was beautiful. I mean, that's what he said. I didn't actually see her. That would have been weird.

Being there, listening to the lullaby play twice during that time, it made me anxious and excited. I can't wait to meet my daughter.

{I didn't get home until almost 9pm, BUT I got ice chips. The night was not a total loss.}

ANYTHING.

2010-06-22T19:46:00.001-05:00

If I can deal with all the things I've been handed while being 7.5 - 8.5 months pregnant,

I CAN DO ANYTHING.

{the end}

A failure of all sorts.

2010-06-20T19:19:00.003-05:00

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

My shirt is soaking wet.

My makeup is streaked and my cheeks are flushed.

I cannot stop the tears that flow from a broken heart. A heart that loves more than I know what to do with, but is still so selfish and desires so much.

I cannot be 8 months pregnant and be the supportive wife of a man who just lost his father. The weight is too heavy and I am crumbling under the pressure.

I was mean and rude and demanding and accusatory and everything that I'd hoped I'd never be, especially when he needs me most.

But I failed him, as I always will, because I cannot do it on my own.

I need help. This is too hard.

***************

"Lord, please! I cannot keep doing this! I am falling apart."

I cry out to him as I drive, on my way home from the grocery store, where I've planned for the week and suffered the anxiety already of not being enough.

"Why do you only come to me when you are hurting? Why only when you need me?"

Drip.

"If you only spoke to Aaron when you needed him, how do you think your relationship would be?"

Drip.

"Talk to me all the time. I will help you."

"I can't stay focused. My mind wanders, I feel like I have too much to do."

"Let me help you."

Drip.

"Just, let me help you."

***************

Here I am. Asking for help. Only the help that you can give. I cannot do this on my own. I do not want to keep trying. I surrender.

Father's Day

2010-06-19T22:09:00.006-05:00

Bittersweet doesn't exactly describe this Father's Day.

Aaron is ~~going to be~~ already such an amazing Father. (Remember this shopping trip?)

But he celebrates his first Father's Day without his Father. It's just so...

...I guess bittersweet is the only word I can think of.

Oh, my sweet Aaron. I love you so much. Tiny Dancer loves you so much. We are so proud of you for the man that you are and the Daddy that you're becoming.

My husband's heart.

2010-06-11T10:03:00.002-05:00

I have so much I want to say, but the words are hard to come by. There are tears, and a few words. More tears, and a few more words.

My husband is hurting and I can’t make it go away. This is very difficult for me to accept, because I am a “fixer”. I like to make things better. I can’t make this better.

If asked of 50 people what Aaron’s best trait is, 48 of them would say he has a really big heart. The other 2 would say he is a bad mama-jama.

He loves to buy for people, or give to people from what we already have. If you needed a shirt, he would give you the one off his back, plus $20 to go buy matching sandals at TJMaxx. If you needed money for lunch, he would give you $20 for your lunch, plus the gift card in his wallet for Subway because “he doesn’t really like it anyhow”.

I LOVE my husband’s “big heart”.

The only problem?

His really big heart is capable of really big hurt.

Really. Big.

And right now, I could offer him all the TJMaxx gift cards in the world, or golf passes to the course where he would undoubtedly buy the person he was with a hot dog at “the turn” (I’m not a golfer. I don’t get this.), but it doesn’t matter. There isn’t anything I can give him or buy him or make for him that will make this any better. Or any less bad. Or anything other than the suck of the suckiest suck of the world.

But I have my love and I give it to him. I have my hands, so I make him sandwiches for his lunch. I have my voice, so I speak prayers on his behalf. (Not enough though. I'm working on this. Actually, God is working on me to work on this.)

I do not have much, but I am trying to give him all that I have. Because if the situation were reversed, I would own the TJMaxx chain, and we would eat at Olive Garden every day, even though he doesn’t really like it, and he would bring me Starbucks Iced Tea in bed and at work and in the middle of the night. Because he has a really, really big heart.

A heart that I love. With a really, really big love.

I wish it was enough. It's not right now. But one day, it will be. I just have to believe it. And wait. Just wait.

"... but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)

I will not let the fear win.

2010-06-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I fear him lurking around the corner. Each ring of the telephone, a quick prayer that it isn’t bad news. I cannot handle more phone calls making known a death. The end. No more.

I will not be gripped by fear. I will not allow the unknown to decay my current state. Fear to fly, fear to drive, fear to walk across the street, fear to leave my husband, my loved ones, for when will I see them again? Will I see them again? I will not have a fear to live.

I will choose to hope. And I will believe. I am safe and I am protected and those I love are cared for. I will trust.

For now, I will not let him win. I will not let the fear, intimidation of death ruin my days. For I know that my days are numbered and so I will count each day, and make each day count.

I just don't know.

2010-05-29T12:08:00.003-05:00

you keep coming here, probably to check to see how we're doing. i don't check my stats really ever, but i was curious. and it lifted my spirit, for this moment in time.

for an update? a story? reassurance? i don't know why i come here sometimes.

the update? we'll be okay.

the story? my father-in-law passed away of natural causes. his body was tired and his soul was weary. but we believe that his body has been made new and his soul is dancing before Jesus. there will always be a void in my husband's life, in our lives, because he is gone. BUT WE BELIEVE. we believe that the Bible is the word of God, and that God is who He says He is, and when we add 1 + 1, we get eternity. it's just that simple.

reassurance? we'll be okay. we have to. WE HAVE TO.

because we have a daughter joining our family sometime in the next 10-ish weeks and we just have to be okay. she will help us be okay.

i believe that God is who He says He is. i believe that he heals our broken hearts and makes it possible for us to press on each day, putting one foot in front of the other. i believe that He gives strength to the weary, and i'm praying each moment of each day that He is giving strength to my husband.

It's been a long, hard week.

2010-05-15T22:44:00.003-05:00

My uncle is gone.

More than just my uncle. My dad's best friend. My grandparents baby. My aunt's husband. A man who started a tradition in our town that has turned into the biggest event in the history of our 200 person community. A "reunion" for every class, from every school, for every person. When a village of 186 people turns into a party for 1200. A big party, where we play wiffleball and talk about the past year, and forget our troubles for two days.

He started it. 20 years ago. As a 21 year old man, boy. A vision, a dream, that became a reality.

We watched a slideshow of the past 41 years today. There were pictures of him as a baby, a teen, at his wedding. But the pictures that I love, that show me who he was and what made him happy? They were the pictures from this one particular weekend. He smiled. A real smile.

This one particular weekend? It's in August.

This year, our family, our community, will mourn the loss of my uncle during this festival. At all times, we will miss him, we will grieve, but this weekend, this one particular weekend, will be hard. Very hard.

And yet. I feel that God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that my family would need joy in August. He knew we would have loved joy in February, but we'll need joy in August. Oh yes, we will need joy.

And we will have it.

Even though it will be missing an uncle, a friend, a brother, a husband, a son. We will have joy.

She will be our joy.

(She already is.)

Mother's Day.

2010-05-06T21:51:00.004-05:00

The funny thing about saying that I didn't want to feel like I had to blog is that now I really want to. But I still don't feel like I have a lot to say.

Mother's Day is this coming Sunday (you knew that already, I'm pretty sure). It is my first Mother's Day, as I was not yet pregnant last year (but it was right around the corner!). It will be spent with my husband, and our daughter, and even though it is not the celebration I envisioned last July, it is perfect and it is perfectly what I need.

But here's the thing - I know I am so lucky, so blessed. I don't take for granted one single kick, or hip pain, or sleepless night, or leg cramp. Because I yearned for this, and now I have it, and soon, SOON, I will have my baby and oh man, I am scared to death, but I am so blessed. And I could say something about how "I hope you have a great day!" on Mother's Day, but I'm not going to pretend that it will be that way.

And I'm so sorry.

I hate the loss that so many mother's know. I don't understand a lot of it, and I would never pretend to. But that doesn't make me not hate it. I hate that I have so many wonderful, amazing friends whose babies are not with them this year. I HATE IT.

This post is not colorful or sweet and I can't think of a transition to get there. Please just know that this year, I will be thinking of all of us, the mother's without our babies. Mothers who've never known their babies, and mothers who said goodbye to their babies entirely too soon. It's not fair and I hate it, but I love you. And I will be thinking of you. And in honor of you, I will love my own mother, and never, ever take for granted the life growing inside me.

**I am so incredibly fortunate to have a mother who loves me and spoils me rotten, even at 28-years-old. She is caring and funny and kind, and she knows this loss too. I hope she has the most amazing Mother's Day, even though I can't be with her. I love you, momma.

Teeter. Totter.

2010-04-27T21:10:00.003-05:00

I having a hard time finding balance.

In work and my marriage and preparing for a baby and friendships and blogging and life in general like going to the grocery store and getting my hair cut and remembering to stop at the gas station before the "low fuel" light comes on.

Work is getting busy for me and for Aaron. Time at work goes by fast, time at home, faster. We come home, eat dinner, clean up dishes, mow (eh, not me. I don't know how to turn the mower on.) play with the dog, pack lunches for tomorrow, shower, laundry, collapse. I know we are not alone in this, and I know it will only get more intense when we throw a baby into the mix.

I'm stepping away for a while. I still have things to say, but I don't want to feel pressure to write here, fearing that if I don't have something witty to say, no one will come back.

But I need to spend the time I have enjoying things like my marriage, organizing baby clothes, and washing the 7 outfits on rotation.

Be back later.

**This may have something to do with my decision not to attend Relevant. Plus I'll have a 10 week old and I've already lost sleep thinking about how she and I will get there and get around and get home and so on. It's also the weekend of my anniversary, and as I fall more in love with my husband each day, I realized how much I don't want to be away from him then. Thanks for understanding.

To the Left, To the Left

2010-04-25T20:49:00.004-05:00

I am a belly sleeper or a back sleeper. I don't do well sleeping on my side because it hurts my shoulders and makes one side of my hair frizzy. But if I HAD to choose a side to sleep on, I'd choose the right side.

So you can see why this would be a problem. Sleep on the left side? Shouldn't be so hard, right? Well, it is. Mostly because it's not comfortable for me and also because I kept waking up on my right side.

When I was given the opportunity to review a pregnancy pillow, I had no idea what to expect. The Utterly Yours Pregnancy Pillow showed up and I couldn't believe how small it was, while claiming to help me sleep better at night. But then I used it and OHMYGOSH. It is so comfortable. Yes, they sent it to me for free. Yes, I would tell you about it even if they didn't.

The side that goes against your back (the pattern side) is made of a memory foam that is so comfortable, I want a bed made out of that stuff. It is not hard, but is sturdy enough that I can put my weight on it and still stay on my left side.

Also, this picture? Not me. Anyhow. The solid color side goes against your belly. I've been using this pillow since about week 16 and haven't needed the support of the solid colored side until the past week or so. I assume as things go (and my belly grows), I will fall in love with the support of the "belly" side as I have the "back" side.

Because I wasn't aware of how big I would get (still don't know this, obviously), I ordered the Large. I think I could have gotten away with a Medium, especially because I started using it early.

Honestly, I love this thing. I would tell you this even if I had paid for the pillow. It helps me sleep and supports my back. Plus, it is compact and so lightweight, I've taken it with me out of town on multiple occasions. I open it up, put the strap of my overnight bag through the middle, and close it with the loop and button closure. I don't even have to carry it!

If you are pregnant and concerned with sleeping on your left side, or having back pain, or just sick of rolling onto stacks of pillows you've shoved into your back, I cannot tell you how you would benefit from this pillow.

For 15% off of your order, enter code "Promo" at checkout.

I was not compensated for this review. I received the Utterly Yours Pregnancy pillow for my own personal use. The opinions expressed are my own.

My (In)Fertility Journey

2010-04-21T10:26:00.003-05:00

I don’t consider myself lucky. I consider myself incredibly blessed.

My (in)fertility story doesn’t have as many pages as some of the friends I’ve met along the way, but still, they are tear stained. The paragraphs of my story contain words like “try” and “loss” and “success”. Their paragraphs contain words like “IVF” and “Beta” and “Clomid” and “Reproductive Endocrinologist {RE}” and "2WW". My story is not the same, and with that, comes incredible guilt.

But also with that, comes incredible friendship.

For years, the idea of taking a pregnancy test was that of overwhelming fear. And yet, when the test was negative, there was still disappointment. It was in me. It is in us, the desire to be a mother, even if we know the timing is wrong. But along the way, the idea of taking a pregnancy test brings excitement and anticipation. One, two, even three negative tests into the journey just meant that the birth control hadn’t left my body yet. But (months) four, five, (and) six negative tests into the journey made me think there might be something wrong. (Months) Seven, eight, nine? Is this a joke?

The doctor said “it’s not infertility unless you’ve tried a year”. So, we kept trying. And there were tears from announcements by girls younger than me, who didn’t have jobs, or even a steady boyfriend. And there were broken toenails from propping legs up on headboards, and there were nights where it just didn’t happen.

And then they were there. Two lines! “Pregnant”! The weekend of Father’s Day, 2009. Joy and more tears and feeling so excited!

And then it was gone. July 27, 2009.

And then we didn’t try anymore. I wasn’t ready, my body wasn’t ready, my heart wasn’t ready to love again.

I wouldn’t call it closure, because I will never have completion in my life due to the loss of my first child. But there was a defining moment in our lives, in our marriage, in our family, when I chose the name Angelina for our first child, and Aaron was there with me, even though not, and we had done this together. This conceiving and losing and grieving and moving forward. Together.

And now we have Tiny Dancer. Our beautiful, sweet, amazing baby. Who is so loved and so desired.

I desire this for my friends who struggle daily with infertility. My story is not the same as theirs, my trying not so long, my longing not so drawn out. I do not boast of this, believe me. I cry tears for them, with them, over BFN’s (big fat negatives) and failed IVF’s and lost dreams. Because in MY darkest hours, they comforted me. They were there for me.

Every woman who desires to be pregnant would be crushed by another’s pregnancy announcement – I know I was. And yet, these women rallied around me and offered “CONGRATULATIONS!” and “SO HAPPY FOR YOU” when I announced my pregnancy, all the while tears probably falling down their faces.

Their grief is deep, but their friendship is deeper.

I am so, so thankful for their friendship.

****************************************

I tell my story to bring awareness to the struggle that thousands of couples face to bring children into their families. We are not all "fertile Myrtle's". Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week. There is a campaign to make "infertility" a trending topic on Twitter to bring attention to the awareness. If you or someone you know or love has ever dealt with infertility, please help spread the word by using #infertility in your tweets.

For more information, follow the #infertility tag on Twitter, and visit the blogs of the women and men there. Their stories are inspiring.

Twitter Home Tour!

2010-04-18T13:37:00.009-05:00

I didn't get around to participating in the Ultimate Blog Party, so I thought I'd hop on the 'ole bandwagon known as "Twitter Home Tour".

In the interest of FULL disclosure, I didn't clean my house before taking these pictures. In fact, I haven't cleaned my house all week. And I'm not ashamed, because I kinda feel like my uterus will fall out if I stand for too long. Plus, between me and Aaron (Aaron & me/myself/I??), we worked 97 hours last week. And then add in the fact that we had CENTRAL AIR INSTALLED (DO I SERIOUSLY NEED TO TELL YOU HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT THIS????), and really, that explains the clutter and laundry piled high (see picture of master bedroom).

Welcome to our home! Can I get you anything? We have water, tea, and Monster energy drinks. No? Okay then.

Our couch is old and the seat closest to the kitchen is reserved for Duke. In addition to being a hand me down, it is the spot where I spent the entire winter napping away my first trimester nausea.

The blinds behind the curtain are not broken, but the sun is shining in the most amazing way today, and it looks like they are. I'm not the best housekeeper, but you'd better believe if my $6.00 blinds were broken, I would replace them. It's the little things.

Sometime after Christmas (like, the week of the Super Bowl), Aaron went out and bought ~~himself~~ the family a new television. It looks gigantic only because my living room is so tiny. It's usually on the Disney Channel or MSNBC. I prefer Hannah Montana and Aaron prefers to watch something called "Lockup". You may have seen it. If so, it probably gave you nightmares.

Next up is the bathroom. Nothing exciting here, except that my night clothes were on the floor, so I cropped them out. I do like my shower curtain though!

Making our way around the teeny tiny hallway, the next room you would enter is the nursery. Not much to see here either, mostly because it's a SECRET, but the color? It's called "Faint Maple", which for some odd reason makes me think of fairies. No, the room will not be decorated with fairies. I'm girly, but not that much.

Also, it's not done yet. Which is why there is no cover on the light switch. I know better.

Right beside the nursery is the "Master" bedroom. Since there is no bathroom attached, it can only be called the "Master" bedroom because the King and Queen of the house sleep there. (Corny? I tried.)

(When I said laundry day, I wasn't kidding).
(Also, I am in no way being compensated for the Old Navy bag hanging out in the picture, but will show you the cute dress I bought there soon!)
(Lastly, making the bed is the most pointless chore known to man.)

Continuing around the small circle of hallway, we come to the office. I didn't get a good picture of the whole room, but all you need to know is that 1.) it's small and 2.) it's my husband's "Shrine de Purdue (University)". This is just a very small amount of the PU goodies he's collected over the years. The onsies are what I gave him on December 1, along with a just-peed-on pregnancy stick, annoucing this pregnancy.
The Purdue hat was made lovingly by "Ma", Aaron's nickname for my mom.

The file cabinet is full of old pay stubs and electric bills and other random papers that don't exactly have a home.

The whole hallway at one time?

Yes, we have baby gates. They are to keep the dog out of the rooms because he likes to chew on things. If he knew how to do laundry, I would let him in that "Master" bedroom, because, ugh.

The kitchen is where many meals are ~~prepared~~ unpacked from their "to go" containers, at least lately. No dishwasher, so the dishes sit on the counter.

Yes, we use plastic cups. No, we do not play beer pong. Yes, we wash and reuse them.

The outside of the house is Aaron's domain, and where he sits to make shopping lists.

If someone is outside, Duke insists on being there also. If we go out without him, he will stand at the back door and cry.

"Why would you ever go out without him?"

"Because he digs holes in the yard and we get sick of filling them in".

I hope you've enjoyed this tour of our home. If you called and said you were coming by in the next 5, 60, or 1200 minutes, I probably wouldn't do anything to change it. But I might brush my teeth.

My house is clean most of the time (usually). Just not today. Check back ~~tomorrow, no,~~ ~~after the baby is born~~ next year.

You can play along by visiting the homes below and by posting pictures of your home! I'll be by to "visit" soon!

About the Twitter Home Tour - Once upon a time, @MomNom, @jennandtonica, @emmie_bee, @heirtoblair, and @ColeEmmett were talking about home decor on Twitter. We thought it would be so great to be able to see each other's homes! A *bunch* of other tweeps joined in, @Alena29 put together a terrific button, and #twitterhometour (or #twitterhouseparty) was born! Feel free to join us - add a link to your home tour post (pictures, video, or both!) below.

Mover. Shaker.

2010-04-16T20:59:00.004-05:00

Wow. No one told me how incredible it would be to feel this life moving inside of me. Sometimes, I think she's doing somersaults because the movements aren't distinct, but they are there and they are her. Sometimes they tickle and sometimes I feel like I've just gotten off a rollercoaster.

Other times, like right now, I feel like she's standing up straight on my bladder and training for a marathon. It is so, so, cool. Except I have to pee. A lot. I used to have to lay real still and focus so hard on feeling her. I could feel my own heartbeat in my fingers and my toes until kick and I knew it was her.

Now, I don't have to be laying down and I don't have to be still, and I don't need to focus on her. She is there and she wants me to know it and she might be a cheerleader instead of a marathon runner but I don't know.

The first time I felt her kick and knew it was her, for sure? Sunday, March 28. Laying in bed, praying for Beth and Eli, kick and asking God to keep them both safe during delivery kick and make sure that Eli was perfect kick. He is. kick.

Now, I talk to her in the car and in the shower and in bed, and she talks back.

Our conversations are breathtaking.

22w2d

2010-04-11T17:55:00.005-05:00

I really have nothing to say. Go figure.

But this is what's up. She's dancing up a storm in there and it is incredible!

(Mama is still very, very tired however. So this Sunday has been spent on the couch. Hope you had a good weekend!)

The Feet That Bring Good News

2010-03-31T21:50:00.003-05:00

I don't particularly like feet. Baby feet are incredible, but other than that, feet are kinda icky to me. So when I saw the You Capture topic for the week was "Feet", I started thinking of something I could capture that said/showed "feet". Ah-ha.

As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

{Romans 10:15}

The Good News

Not the feet you probably came here expecting...but in honor of Easter (and the current lack of baby feet in my house), I couldn't think of anything more fitting.

You Capture - Feet

You Capture

2010-03-25T11:00:00.000-05:00

He was so sure that she would be a he. So sure in fact, that when the ultrasound technician said "That's a girl", he said "Are you sure?".

But then he saw the dresses, and the bloomers, and the shoes, and the socks, and the bibs, and the blankets, and even though he swore we wouldn't buy all pink, this is what he picked out.

My "moment" for the week? Watching my husband be excited about fathering a girl.

(And the next day, he went out ON HIS OWN, and bought her twice as much. Pink. All over our house.)

You Capture - A Moment.

Hey There, Good Lookin'!

2010-03-24T22:19:00.001-05:00

New blog design courtesy of Design by Mariah!

Not only is she a talented designer, she's a fantastic cousin and friend.

Love you, Merna!

On Losing, and Gaining

2010-03-24T09:25:00.004-05:00

A dear friend from college emailed last night, telling of a recent miscarriage and asking when and if it gets easier. Responding to her email, with tears streaming down my face, I was able to put into words what I've been feeling. It was odd, as I'd never taken the time to write it down until now.

I will say that being pregnant again has helped, especially as Angel's due date came and went (Feb. 18). But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, and wonder how differently our lives would be if we were parenting a one-month old instead of anticipating the arrival of our little princess. Obviously, we are overjoyed that she is joining our family, but there is a void in my heart that will truly never be filled. Our first baby didn't join our lives. The anniversary of her due date was difficult, to say the least. I am thankful that so many remembered, and honored her. If you haven't told many people, that's okay. But if you have, can I encourage you to share the due date and allow people to celebrate the life of your baby? It helped me so much that people remembered.

On being pregnant again, there is immense fear. I cannot lie. Each day, I pray that she continues to grow, and anticipate as well as dread doctor appointments, as I pray that we'll hear her heartbeat, but dread that we will not. On the days where the fear becomes overwhelming, I have to remind myself of the truth that God is in control and He designed my body to conceive and carry children. The truth is very powerful, but I cannot deny that there is fear. I think He understands this, and sends me peace when I cannot find it otherwise.

...

(disclaimer: these were answers to questions she had, not me boasting of my current pregnancy)

He Loves Her.

2010-03-21T22:42:00.004-05:00

Friday Afternoon -

We walked into the store, he looked at me and said "We are NOT buying her all pink stuff, 'k?"

You wanna see what he picked?

Saturday night -

I walked in the door and he said "I didn't like our bedspread anymore. I bought a new one."

"What are you talking about?? We looked for that thing for 2 months! It's brand new!"

"I didn't like it anymore. I bought a new one. Go look."

(This is the bedspread we just bought. That was his trickery to get me to look at our bed. Sneaky.)

2 of Daddy's shopping trips, plus 3 pairs of shoes.

*I DIE*

Mama's Girl

2010-03-20T11:34:00.003-05:00

I went to visit my Aunt and little cousins (6 & 7) on Thursday night. My darling little cousin asked that if I went to bed on Thursday night with a boy in my tummy, could I "make her be a girl" when I woke up on Friday.

Well, I'm not sure that's what happened, but we're getting our girl!

This picture is hard to see, but the technician was able to get another shot that was very clear. I'd been studying ultrasound pictures and when I saw the second picture she got, I was confident I was looking at 3 lines. Oh yes, I'm going to have a daughter!

She lived up to her name, Tiny Dancer, by being quite active and moving around a ton. She also wanted me to tell you she said hi.

I know I'm biased, but I think she's just beautiful.

Little Princess, Mama and Daddy love you so, so much!

A Day In The Life

2010-03-18T11:26:00.002-05:00

So the day goes a little bit like this. I can barely pull myself out of bed because no matter how many weeks I am, I still haven’t felt this sudden burst of energy! I keep hearing about.

I drink my caffeinated tea, with my doctors approval, because if I didn’t, I would have a caffeine-withdrawal migraine.

After the tea, I have to pee. A lot.

I am tired most of the day, wishing I could crawl under my desk for a real quick (2 hours?) power nap. But work calls, and I answer the phone, answer a question, answer the call (from my boss) to manage, schedule, insure, follow up, and finally leave.

I collapse. But only into the recliner, which is fully reclined otherwise I can’t breathe. Usually I’ve taken off any constricting undergarments by this time, otherwise I really can’t breathe. The Bella Band holds up the pants that are too big, and the pants that are too small. But it makes me itch. Don’t get me started on the bra.

I eat dinner, which could be cereal or pasta or something without meat. If I was really ambitious, I would go to the grocery store to buy the ingredients for the salad that I have been craving, with cheddar cheese and full-fat Italian dressing. But when I’d get home, I’d look at it in the fridge and I wouldn’t want it anymore, so why bother.

I take out my contacts, brush my teeth, pee a few times, and say “I’m going to bed”. Then I go in the kitchen and eat something else. Maybe yogurt. Or cottage cheese, but only if I shake it up first because if I just take the lid off and see that it needs stirred, I will gag.

I’ve not done any housework because my husband loves me and knows that it takes everything in me to shower and get to work on time, and I am so, so lucky. He’s done the laundry, the dishes, and painted the nursery. He plays fetch with the dog, and makes sure he eats dinner.

So, my snack. I eat, sometimes a couple different things, usually drink some water, or some tea, and pee a couple more times before getting comfortable with my preggo pillow. I can’t sleep on my stomach. I can’t sleep on my back. It’s not comfortable to sleep on my right side because of how it pulls on my (ever-growing) stomach. So the left side it is! But then my shoulder goes numb. So I play on Twitter a little bit, chatting with friends, checking Facebook and playing Simon on my cell phone (if you have an iPhone, you need the Simon app.).

It is now 1 hour since I’ve laid down, and I am more awake than any time during the day. I get up to, you guessed it – pee, and then lay back down and pray with my whole being for some sleep.

Two or three hours later, I wake up in a sweat. Hormones, love ‘em. Of course I go pee because I’m up, and I lay back down, hoping it was just a quick break in sleep. But, hahaha, no. 2 hours and 11 trips to the bathroom later, I fall back asleep. Usually I dream about something related to food. On Sunday night, I dreamed about tomatoes and it was a beautiful, glorious dream, with perfectly ripe tomatoes overflowing in my kitchen.

The alarm goes off and I start again.

AND I LOVE IT. Every glorious bathroom-trips-in-the-middle-of-the-night-can't-eat-anything-can't-eat-enough-can't-sleep-dreaming-of-food-sciatic-pain-uterus-stretching-pain-back-pain-forgetfullness-more-bathroom-trips-minute of it.

Oh yes, Tiny Dancer. Mama loves every minute of it.

I'd love some cheese with my whine. Or some WINE.

2010-03-12T13:35:00.007-06:00

So, I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining. My shoulder hurts and I asked Google (BAD IDEA, BY THE WAY) what it could be, and it said preeclampsia. But when I go to the doctor, my blood pressure is usually so low that they think I should be kinda close to dead.

The only good thing about my uncle/boss having high blood pressure is that there's a bp cuff in his office (and every room of his house).

I took my blood pressure and sure enough, it's low. Like 93/60 low. Like LOW low. But still okay (low).

So, hmmm. I don't know what it is, but my OB said if I had chest pain to go to the ER and I don't think the fact that I've scratched my chest raw because my boobs are so incredibly itchy means that I have chest pain.

What is with the itchy boobs, anyhow?

Aaron is wonderful to me. On Wednesday, when this started, he made me dinner. I also got a bag of maternity clothes from a friend (!!!) and he went through the whole bag for me, holding things up to himself in a modeling fashion. And then he put on the baby carrier we got him over the weekend to humor me. Because we do not have small children or animals, he used the only bear he could find.

I'm prettttty sure it's going to need some adjusting.

Because I don't want to be a complainer (because, HELLO? I KNOW I am so fortunate and blessed. I KNOW this.), I will leave you with a couple of pictures from the wedding I shot 3 weeks ago.

Jon & Heather's mother's lit their candles for the lighting of the unity candle, and Jon lit his daugther's candle. After Jon and Heather lit the Unity candle, Izzy came up and added hers. It was precious and I cried.

I also realize that you can't see the bride or the groom in either of these pictures, but come on. She's precious.

Meeting. And CUTE BABIES.

2010-03-08T18:49:00.004-06:00

I wondered during the car ride there how the introductions would go. I was hopeful I wouldn't interupt a conversation, or feel awkward to say "hi" when so many had already arrived.

But as I walked in the door, she walked past the door. Our eyes met, (I think mine probably looked like this*) and we hugged. And it was so sincere and I felt the connection I'd heard others talk about.

We sat beside each other, she in a chair and me on the couch, and we talked about our babies and Joel and loss and our husbands. We talked about names for the babies growing in our bellies and about how we both think it's important to give our children names that will fit them as babies and as teenagers and as professional adults, even as a Supreme Justice.

Oh, the pressure.

And then we talked traditions. About how the girls on my mom's side of the family have middle names that end in "ette" (Annette, Lynette, Suzette, Colette, Mynette, Janette, Yvette, Danette. Oh yes, this is true.) and I asked her what her middle name is.

SaraJOY, what is your middle name?

Ah, there's no going back now. We'll be friends forever, because she knows I'm a complete ditz.

*photo by Beth.
**photo by CrookedEyebrow.
All photos from Beth's Surprise shower can be found here. Check 'em out!

For Real, For Heather.

2010-03-08T12:00:00.001-06:00

She walked into the room, threw her bag on the floor, and sat on the couch, her feet tucked beneath her. She belonged to the largest sorority on campus, you know the one – “Girls want to be us, your boyfriend wants to date us”. Yes, that one.

Heather was so beautiful. She had strawberry blond hair that flowed down her back and she carried her height well. Girls really did want to be her, and their boyfriends probably wanted to date her.

She came to my room almost every Sunday night, to study for American Sign Language. We had taken 3 semesters of ASL together and had become frequent study partners, giggling at the terrible acting in the silent video we were forced to watch each week. Back and forth, we’d practice our words, sentences, and eventually paragraphs.

But on this night, she didn’t come to study ASL. She sat down on our green, tattered couch, and without the usual “how are you, how was your weekend” banter, she asked me why I cared about her. She asked why I chose to study with her, when I had “bible study friends” in our class. She wanted to know why I would let her in my room with her “damn” and “f’ing sign language” comments.

“Uh….. I don’t know. I just like you?? I think you’re funny and we have fun together.”

“Am I your project? Are you trying to “save” me?”

“Heather! You know me better than that! I’m not that kind of person. I just thought we were friends. Why are you asking me this now? We’ve known each other for almost 2 years…”

“I went home this weekend (Cleveland) and I was telling my mom about you. She said you were only my friend because you wanted me to know Jesus. She said you didn’t actually want to be my friend, because no one actually wanted to be my friend. She said I was your “project”. God, my mom is such a bitch”.

And I started to cry. Big, wet tears streamed down my face. I had grown to love this girl, this seemingly spunky, fun, outgoing girl, who really didn’t think she was actually worthy of real, genuine friendship. I couldn’t speak because I didn’t have the words to say. She had, in fact, started as a “project”. Yes, I wanted to get to know her so that I could invite her to bible study. I wanted to share my Jesus with her, not because I felt bad for her, but because I cared about her. But she went from being a “project” to being a real friend in a very short amount of time. I couldn’t admit this to her. She would be mad and I would be embarrassed. I already was embarrassed. I had been called out on my evangelism, or lack thereof. I still don’t know.

“So, my mom was right. You DON’T care about me. How could you do this to me!? I thought we were friends!”

“Heather, we are friends. I don’t know what to say. I do care about you as a person, I think you are a sweet girl, and I appreciate your friendship. There isn’t anything else I can say. You know me, you know how I am. This isn’t fair of you to assume….”

I had to stop. It wasn’t fair of her to assume that she was right? She WAS right.

She grabbed her bag, stormed out of the room, and didn’t say goodbye. I sat on the same green, tattered couch that we’d had some of our best conversations on, and mourned the loss of my only real non-“bible study” friend. I couldn’t defend why we’d become friends in the first place. She’d been hurt too much to hear my side of the story.

The semester was over the next night, and she made sure she changed her schedule so that we weren’t in the same class during our final semester of ASL.

Many emails and attempted AIM conversations later, she graduated.

I never spoke to her again.

I don’t know where she is, or who she is, but she taught me more about Jesus in the short time she was in my life than any of my “bible study” friends. She was real, she cared real, she loved real, she exemplified real. And I didn’t.

And I will never, ever forget the pain that not being real caused her. And the pain that it caused me.

17

2010-03-01T19:45:00.004-06:00

Oh, little 17 week old Tiny Dancer. You are growing so much, making mommy's clothes uncomfortable, but I've never been so excited to leave the house in yoga pants.

Our food choices change pretty frequently. Up until last week, egg sandwiches were pretty great. Then, I made an egg sandwich with too much cheese, gagged on the extra cheese, and that was the end of our egg consumption.

Red meat still doesn't sound good, except for cheeseburgers. And thank you for that, because I've always loved McDonald's cheeseburgers, and they were actually the first "meat" I ate after 4 years of being a vegetarian. What can I say - I love warm pickles.

Daddy just left the room because I said "warm pickles".

We are going to find out if you're a boy or a girl in just a couple weeks! Your grandma and Aunt Payton are coming to see you that day, and are hoping you aren't shy.

I know that I am so lucky to have you. I worry that talking about you will hurt other women, all who want to be mommy's, but aren't yet.

There are other mommies who had babies growing in their bellies and they were born straight into heaven. This makes mommy's heart hurt so bad. Will you play with those babies before you come to us? Will you make sure they know that their mommies & daddies & brothers & sisters love and miss them very much?

Mommy actually had 2 brothers or sisters who were born into Heaven. They are there with you now, and I have no doubt that you are enjoying your time together before you come see us. Please tell them we love them.

I already planned our first trip, Tiny Dancer! You are going with Mommy to meet lots of other women, who want to spend time talking about how much Jesus loves us, and getting to be friends. So many of my friends already love you, sweet one, and can't wait to meet you.

But mommy & daddy are most excited to meet you!

Pink or Blue?

2010-02-25T16:19:00.004-06:00

Our appointment today was great! Doctor used the doppler to find Tiny Dancer's heartbeat, but not after letting me know that the "thud" I kept hearing was he or she kicking at the doppler. We've got a mover and a shaker on our hands, folks. Or a soccer player.

Also, a heartbeat of 140 beats per minute, which I'm told is a "girl" heartbeat.

I had a very real dream this week that this baby was a girl, and I can't wait to find out!

But, we have 3 weeks until "The Appointment". So I took a "Am I Having A Boy Or Girl?" quiz. The results were, well....inconclusive. My notes/thoughts are in italics.

You are carrying your extra weight out front, so it's a boy. My rear does not need to get any bigger, thankyouverymuch.

The hair on your legs is growing faster during pregnancy, so it's a boy. I wouldn't know this due to lack of shaving or anything. *cough*

You are carrying high. Girls are carried high. I don't think it's Bebe that's high in my belly. I think it's my bladder.

Sleeping in a bed with your pillow to the north indicates that you will be having a boy. How does this matter? It's about where my bed is. If I faced my pillow south, I would have my feet in Aaron's face.

Your feet are not colder than they were before pregnancy. You are having a girl. It's February. In Indiana. I don't feel like I can judge this just yet.

You refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread. You are having a girl. I ALWAYS refuse to eat the heel of the loaf of bread. It goes to the dog.

Dad-to-be hasn't been gaining weight along with Mom-to-be, so it will be a girl. Dad is on a 12-week "Change Your Life" diet. Not fair.

You had morning sickness early in pregnancy, so you are expecting a girl. And I'm still down 6 lbs. You go, girl.

You are not looking particularly good during pregnancy. Therefore, it must be a girl, because girls steal their mother's looks. She is in trouble.

Your chest development has not been very dramatic during pregnancy. You should expect a boy. I've got nothin'. It's true. They're not growing.

Since the sum of the mother's age at conception and the number of the month of conception is an odd number, it will be a girl. My adorable nail technician also says that according to the Chinese calendar, I'm having a girl. And I trust her. Because she's from China.

Your urine is a bright neon yellow color, so you will have a boy. It's from the vitamins, I swear.

You have a craving for salty or sour foods, which means that it is a boy. Does anyone have any guacamole?

Your nose hasn't changed during pregnancy, which indicates a girl. Unless we're talking sense of smell...

You have been craving fruits, so it is a girl. Wait. Didn't this just say my cravings meant "boy"?

You have no desire for orange juice, so it's a boy. Orange juice gives me a sore throat. Always.

Your belly looks like a basketball, so it's a boy. Either that or I have a beach ball up my shirt.

You show people the palm of your hand, so it's a girl. I'm hopeful someone will see a million dollars in my future.

You use the handle to pick up a mug, so it's a boy. Yes, if it were a mug, I'd use the handle. If it were a margarita, I'd use a really big straw.

So, what do you say? Did you vote in my poll yet??

Due Date.

2010-02-19T10:26:00.004-06:00

February 18.

I made it. I made it through the day.

In fact, I made it through yesterday with an unspeakable joy! It could only be from your prayers and the power of the Holy Spirit. For this, I am so thankful.

I thought it would be hard, and I didn't know how I could make it. And it was, but I did, WE did, and here we are.

We are here. Me, Aaron, and Tiny Dancer.

And Angel. We will always have Angel.

(To those who remembered with cards, texts, and facebook messages - Thank you for not forgetting. You made the day so much easier.)

Hi Guys!

2010-02-15T08:00:00.002-06:00

Hi there, just Tiny Dancer checking in. My mom is 15 weeks pregnant with me today! I'm doing well and my mom's pretty good too. I haven't been making her feel sick much anymore, but I still take all of her energy. She would sleep all day if she didn't have to work.

I am growing and growing, so her belly is stretching so that I fit. She has funny pains that feel like someone snapped a rubberband at her belly! She says "ouch!" and then her belly itches and she laughs. I think it's pretty funny.

My mom and dad went to visit my Aunt for her birthday, and my mom got to see all the neat things my Nana has already bought for me! I am going to be SO spoiled! I already can't wait!

This week is the week my baby brother or sister would have been here. My mom and dad tell me that they are SO happy I am growing in my mom's belly and they are so excited to find out if I'm a boy or a girl so they can start decorating my bedroom and talking about what my name will be. But I know my mom still thinks about my little sister each day, and is so glad that I'm growing just like I should be.

My mom is so thankful for all the friends who came here last week to support her friend Kristine and my friend Cora. My mom learned a lot from Cora and will make sure I get the tests I need so that I can be healthy. Thank you for caring about others.

I have to go now. My mom wants something to eat. I make it really hard for her to decide, but I promise you it is not chicken. Not today, at least.

Winners, Winners!

2010-02-14T08:53:00.002-06:00

Thank you so much for your participation in CHD Awareness week! There were 200+ comments left, so I will be mailing a check to Cora's family for $100.00 this week! Thank you! Thank you!

All winners have been contacted by email. Please check your spam folder if you see your name here and didn't receive an email.

Day 1 (Necklace from Shabby Chic) - Momma Lioness Michelle
Day 2(Custom Blog Design from Design By Mariah) - Mendie
Day 3, Part 1 (Camera Strap Cover from SheyB) - Melissa
Day 3, Part 2 (3 bottles of EMAB lotion) - Blue Moon Girl
Day 3, Part 2.2 (2 bottles of EMAB lotion) - Mrs. Soup
Day 4 (Pink resin heart necklace from CapturedStarlight) - Jess
Day 5 (Pink & Red hearts necklace from BeadRee) - Sarah Halstead

A Week of Giveaways for CHD, Day 5!

2010-02-13T10:16:00.007-06:00

There are still lots of wonderful things to be won here! A necklace from The Shabby Chic, a custom blog makeover from Design By Mariah, a camera strap cover from SheaB, lotion from Earth Mama Angel Baby and a resin heart necklace from CapturedStarlight Etsy Shop . What are you waiting for??

Today, for our final giveaway, Rita from BeadRee Etsy shop has donated her "With All My Hearts Necklace" The pink and red hearts would look great with a chic black top or dress, or even a cute white tee!

There are many ways to enter each giveaway this week. Those will be listed below. However, I also want to let you know that for every entry in every contest this week, up to 200 comments, OnceUponACline.com will donate $.50/comment (quick math = $100!) to Cora's family. So now you really have pressure to enter these contests. Everyone wins!

1. Visit Cora's page, and then tell me something you learned about CHD. Anything. Leave a comment.

2. Follow my blog. Leave a comment.

3. Follow Cora's Story. Leave a comment.

4. Follow me on Twitter. Leave a comment.

5. Follow Kristine on Twitter. Leave a comment.

6. Tell your Twitter followers about this giveaway by tweeting:

Win a pink & red heart necklace from @nataliejanette to support CHD & #Cora! http://bit.ly/cOVSbw

Leave a comment.

7. Become a fan of Cora's Story on Facebook. Leave a comment.

*At this time, there is not a way to enter from Facebook. So come on over here, and leave an annonymous comment if you don't want to register with Blogger. Just leave an email address in your comment. Easy, no??
**I was not compensated for this giveaway. No way.
***Contest open to US residents only. Contest ends Saturday, 2/13, at 9pm, CST. Winner will be notified by email and will have 48 hours to respond. Please make sure you leave an email address in your comment if you are not logged into a good account.
****I am holding this giveaway because Kristine is my friend and I care about her and about you. Please tell the people in your life about CHD so that no other parent has to learn about it when it's too late. I'm not asking you to follow my blog or my twitter so that I get more followers. It's an easy way for you to make me pay up. That's all.

A Week of Giveaways for CHD, Day 4!

2010-02-12T08:59:00.005-06:00

There are still lots of wonderful things to be won here! A necklace from The Shabby Chic, a custom blog makeover from Design By Mariah, a camera strap cover from SheaB, and lotion from Earth Mama Angel Baby. What are you waiting for??

Karen from CapturedStarlight Etsy Shop has kindly donated this beautiful Pink Floral Heart on Resin Pendant on a ball chain necklace for today's giveaway. It is adorable and would make a wonderful gift, or a great accessory to the perfect top!

There are many ways to enter each giveaway this week. Those will be listed below. However, I also want to let you know that for every entry in every contest this week, up to 200 comments, OnceUponACline.com will donate $.50/comment (quick math = $100!) to Cora's family. So now you really have pressure to enter these contests. Everyone wins!

1. Visit Cora's page, and then tell me something you learned about CHD. Anything. Leave a comment.

2. Follow my blog. Leave a comment.

3. Follow Cora's Story. Leave a comment.

4. Follow me on Twitter. Leave a comment.

5. Follow Kristine on Twitter. Leave a comment.

6. Tell your Twitter followers about this giveaway by tweeting:

Win a pink heart necklace from @nataliejanette to support CHD & #Cora! http://bit.ly/cs7sDY

Leave a comment.

7. Become a fan of Cora's Story on Facebook. Leave a comment.

*At this time, there is not a way to enter from Facebook. So come on over here, and leave an annonymous comment if you don't want to register with Blogger. Just leave an email address in your comment. Easy, no??
**I was not compensated for this giveaway. No way.
***Contest open to US residents only. Contest ends Saturday, 2/13, at 9pm, CST. Winner will be notified by email and will have 48 hours to respond. Please make sure you leave an email address in your comment if you are not logged into a good account.
****I am holding this giveaway because Kristine is my friend and I care about her and about you. Please tell the people in your life about CHD so that no other parent has to learn about it when it's too late. I'm not asking you to follow my blog or my twitter so that I get more followers. It's an easy way for you to make me pay up. That's all.

A Week of Giveaways for CHD, Day 3, PART 2!

2010-02-11T12:43:00.005-06:00

Did you notice the title of this morning's giveaway? Where it said "Part 1"?
Are you ready for "Part 2"?

My wonderful friends over at Earth Mama Angel Baby have kindly donated 5! bottles of Angel Baby Lotion, 8 oz. What a wonderful donation!

For this giveaway, I will choose 2 winners, one of you will win 3 bottles, one will win 2 bottles.

You have this entry stuff figured out by now, but a refresher course:

There are many ways to enter each giveaway this week. Those will be listed below. However, I also want to let you know that for every entry in every contest this week, up to 200 comments, OnceUponACline.com will donate $.50/comment (quick math = $100!) to Cora's family. So now you really have pressure to enter these contests. Everyone wins!

1. Visit Cora's page, and then tell me something you learned about CHD. Anything. Leave a comment.

2. Follow my blog. Leave a comment.

3. Follow Cora's Story. Leave a comment.

4. Follow me on Twitter. Leave a comment.

5. Follow Kristine on Twitter. Leave a comment.

6. Follow EMAB on Twitter. Leave a comment.

7. Tell your Twitter followers about this giveaway by tweeting:

Win products from EMAB and @nataliejanette to support CHD & #Cora! http://bit.ly/d9Omj1

Leave a comment.

8. Become a fan of Cora's Story on Facebook. Leave a comment.

*At this time, there is not a way to enter from Facebook. So come on over here, and leave an annonymous comment if you don't want to register with Blogger. Just leave an email address in your comment. Easy, no??
**I was not compensated for this giveaway. No way.
***Contest open to US residents only. Contest ends Saturday, 2/13, at 9pm, CST. Winner will be notified by email and will have 48 hours to respond. Please make sure you leave an email address in your comment if you are not logged into a good account.
****I am holding this giveaway because Kristine is my friend and I care about her and about you. Please tell the people in your life about CHD so that no other parent has to learn about it when it's too late. I'm not asking you to follow my blog or my twitter so that I get more followers. It's an easy way for you to make me pay up. That's all.

A Week of Giveaways for CHD, Day 3, PART 1!

2010-02-11T09:30:00.006-06:00

Are you ready for the next CHD giveaway? (2 other giveaways are still going, you can enter here for a necklace or here for a custom blog makover.)

I could keep posting bits of information taken from websites and blogs, but hopefully you're doing research. Instead, a comment left already this week. Cora, sweet girl, you're doing it. You're saving lives. xo - Aunt Natalie

"I learned how simple a pulse ox test is to perform on newborns and I will DEFINITLY be asking for one next time, thanks to Cora!"

What it's all about. Education and information.

Keep doing research.

AND, since you're here, I figured I'd give you something. I am so thankful to the sponsors of the giveaways here this week, and I encourage you to visit their websites/Etsy stores, and support those who support Kristine and Cora.

There are many ways to enter each giveaway this week. Those will be listed below. However, I also want to let you know that for every entry in every contest this week, up to 200 comments, OnceUponACline.com will donate $.50/comment (quick math = $100!) to Cora's family. So now you really have pressure to enter these contests. Everyone wins!

Today, you have the chance to win a camera strap cover from SheyB. I ordered one of Shey's straps last year, and was impressed with the quailty and affordability of the strap. The strap covers do not take the place of your strap, they just make it look chic, and also provide comfort for your neck.

When I contacted Shey last week to see if she'd make a light pink strap cover, she told me she'd check her fabric inventory and get back to me. I am literally blown away. Not only is the strap cover light pink, it is a new design (I believe the FIRST of it's kind), and it's appropriately named "The Cora". (Please note, these covers are designed for the straps of DSLR cameras.)

How can you win??

1. Visit Cora's page, and then tell me something you learned about CHD. Anything. Leave a comment.

2. Follow my blog. Leave a comment.

3. Follow Cora's Story. Leave a comment.

4. Follow me on Twitter. Leave a comment.

5. Follow Kristine on Twitter. Leave a comment.

6. Follow Shealynn on Twitter. Leave a comment.

7. Tell your Twitter followers about this giveaway by tweeting:

Win a camera strap cover from @nataliejanette to support CHD & #Cora! http://bit.ly/cs7sDY

Leave a comment.

8. Become a fan of Cora's Story on Facebook. Leave a comment.

*At this time, there is not a way to enter from Facebook. So come on over here, and leave an annonymous comment if you don't want to register with Blogger. Just leave an email address in your comment. Easy, no??
**I was not compensated for this giveaway. No way.
***Contest open to US residents only. Contest ends Saturday, 2/13, at 9pm, CST. Winner will be notified by email and will have 48 hours to respond. Please make sure you leave an email address in your comment if you are not logged into a good account.
****I am holding this giveaway because Kristine is my friend and I care about her and about you. Please tell the people in your life about CHD so that no other parent has to learn about it when it's too late. I'm not asking you to follow my blog or my twitter so that I get more followers. It's an easy way for you to make me pay up. That's all.

A Week of Giveaways for CHD, Day 2!

2010-02-10T09:00:00.002-06:00

Are you ready for the next CHD giveaway? (Yesterday's giveaway is still going, you can enter here.)

As some of you pointed out in your comments yesterday, as many as 1 in 100 babies are thought to be born with congenital heart disease. The group 1in100 works to help bring awareness to CHD by educating and informing parents and physicians. You can visit their website to learn more about their mission and also more about CHD. Go ahead, I'll wait.

*whistling, humming, twirling my hair*

Do you feel like you've learned something new? Because that is the point. To educate. To make people aware.

Now go tell someone.

BUT, since you're here, I figured I'd give you something. I am so thankful to the sponsors of the giveaways here this week, and I encourage you to visit their websites/Etsy stores, and support those who support Kristine and Cora.

There are many ways to enter each giveaway this week. Those will be listed below. However, I also want to let you know that for every entry in every contest this week, up to 200 comments, OnceUponACline.com will donate $.50/comment (quick math = $100!) to Cora's family. So now you really have pressure to enter these contests. Everyone wins!

What are you playing for today? A "Misses" blog makeover package from Design by Mariah! Mariah is a talented web designer with more than 2 years experience. Her goal is to offer affordable, stylish web design. This package is valued at $30 and is open to Blogger format only.

You can see her portfolio on her website. She has a creative mind, so tell her what you're looking for and she'll amaze you with how she can put together a whole website in just a matter of hours!

Please leave a comment for each entry. Not only does this encourage your odds of winning, it means I give away more money.

1. Visit Cora's page, and then tell me something you learned about CHD. Anything. Leave a comment.

2. Follow my blog. Leave a comment.

3. Follow Cora's Story. Leave a comment.

4. Follow me on Twitter. Leave a comment.

5. Follow Kristine on Twitter. Leave a comment.

6. Follow Mariah on Twitter. Leave a comment.

7. Tell your Twitter followers about this giveaway by tweeting:

Win a custom blog makeover from @mariahannette and @nataliejanette to support CHD & #Cora! http://bit.ly/bzrzLr

Leave a comment.

8. Become a fan of Cora's Story on Facebook. Leave a comment.

A Week of Giveaways for CHD, Day 1!

2010-02-09T09:00:00.000-06:00

I told you Sunday that this week, February 7-14, is CHD Awareness week. What does this mean to you and to me?

It means we have a responsibility to share Cora's Story with the people we know so that CHD will not go undetected any longer!

Did you know that congenital heart disease is the #1 birth defect?

Did you know that a simple, non-invasive test can detect congenital heart disease?

WHY, then, are hospitals not performing this test on newborns? Because it's not mandatory. Your doctor may do the test at your first well-baby visit, but that may be too late.

There are multiple means of diagnosing CHD, and Kristine and Cora are encouraging all to have a Pulse Oximetry test done. Until the pulse ox tests are mandatory, mothers and fathers should ask for their baby to have this test done between 24-48 hours after birth.

Do you feel like you've learned something new? Because that is the point. To educate. To make people aware.

Now go tell someone.

BUT, since you're here, I figured I'd give you something. I am so thankful to the sponsors of the giveaways here this week, and I encourage you to visit their websites/Etsy stores, and support those who support Kristine and Cora.

There are many ways to enter each giveaway this week. Those will be listed below. However, I also want to let you know that for every entry in every contest this week, up to 200 comments, OnceUponACline.com will donate $.50/comment (quick math = $100!) to Cora's family. So now you really have pressure to enter these contests. Everyone wins!

Today, you have the opportunity to win a beautiful necklace donated by Lynn from Shabby Chic Designs! The 3/4" heart has been hammered and shaped, with a sterling puffed heart charm and an opaque pink stone, which adds to the beauty of this necklace. The necklace comes with a 16" fine sterling chain. You guys, it is beautiful!

Please leave a comment for each entry. Not only does this encourage your odds of winning, it means I give away more money.

1. Visit Cora's page, and then tell me something you learned about CHD. Anything. Leave a comment.

2. Follow my blog. Leave a comment.

3. Follow Cora's Story. Leave a comment.

4. Follow me on Twitter. Leave a comment.

5. Follow Kristine on Twitter. Leave a comment.

6. Tell your Twitter followers about this giveaway by tweeting:

Win a beautiful sterling heart necklace from @nataliejanette to support #Cora http://tinyurl.com/ykhngqz.

Leave a comment.

7. Become a fan of Cora's Story on Facebook. Leave a comment.

8. Become a fan of Shabby Chic Designs on Facebook. Leave a comment.

*At this time, there is not a way to enter from Facebook. So come on over here, and leave an annonymous comment if you don't want to register with Blogger. Just leave an email address in your comment. Easy, no??
**I was not compensated for this giveaway. No way.
***Contest open to US residents only. Contest ends Saturday, 2/13, at 9pm, CST. Winner will be notified by email and will have 48 hours to respond. Please make sure you leave an email address in your comment if you are not logged into a good account.
****I am holding this giveaway because Kristine is my friend and I care about her and about you. Please tell the people in your life about CHD so that no other parent has to learn about it when it's too late. I'm not asking you to follow my blog or my twitter so that I get more followers. It's an easy way for you to make me pay up. That's all.

CHD Week

2010-02-07T22:04:00.004-06:00

You may remember my friends Kristine and Cora from this post back in December. Sweet Cora died when she was 5 days old from Congenital Heart Disease.

This week, February 7-14, is CHD Awareness week. During this week, we are going to be having a couple giveaways here. Kristine has a whole week of activities planned in Cora's name, and we are going to spread the word! This week is not just about wearing pink ribbons (but I will) and it's not just about giving away goodies (but we will!). It's about honoring sweet Cora, and the other babies, toddlers, teens, and adults who have lost their lives to CHD.

I will be back this week with more information that you can use in your own life and to help educate the people in your life.

This week is about saving lives.

Check back Tuesday, because you are going to want to win the first giveaway!

Each Day

2010-02-06T21:46:00.002-06:00

I don't know that I will ever feel confident with this pregnancy. I am scared. I am not scared to admit this to you.

I'm afraid to buy maternity clothes, because what if I don't need them?

I'm afraid to buy baby items, because what if I don't need them?

We're afraid to talk about names, because what if we never get to use it?

I know that this fear is common after suffering a miscarriage, but I also know that this fear is not Godly. I know that God determined this day hundreds of years ago. He knew whether I would be pregnant or not, and He knows how this pregnancy will go.

But trusting Him is hard.

I know that it is worth it, and that I will be rewarded for my obedience, but oh, it is so hard.

Oh, sweet tiny dancer, we love you so, so much.

Valentine's Day Cards

2010-02-01T19:00:00.006-06:00

Thank you all for your well wishes for me and Baby Cline! We feel incredibly blessed by our family and friends, and by you, the readers of this blog/Twitter friends/Facebook world.

I will be happy to answer any questions that Baby Cline left unanswered, just leave a comment below. The most common question is "how far along are you" and today marks 13 weeks. I am feeling good today, and hoping this trend continues!

We announced our pregnancy to our parents and siblings around Christmas, but waited to tell (most!) everyone else until we were able to send out a Valentine's Day Annoucement! I know that it's a bit early for a Valentine's Day Card, but we just couldn't wait.

I was thrilled to be chosen through MomMadeThat to do a review of Two Silly Sisters Etsy Store. I had the opportunity to work with Stacey from Two Silly Sisters, and told her that I was looking for a pregnancy announcement/Valentine's Day card, and I have to say, she took a few sentences of what I was looking for and created cards that I was thrilled with!

(the front)

(the back)

The cards are printed on 5x5 white cardstock, and included white envelopes for mailing. The cost of mailing was higher due to the size of the envelope, but I considered it a small price to pay for such gorgeous cards.
Our family and friends were excited to receive the cards (a few of them are on their way - sorry for the delay) and I was so pleased with how they turned out!

Stacey has also provided 3 sets of notecards for one of my loyal blog readers!

There are 8 cards/8 envelopes of each design. One winner will be chosen for the entire set of 24 notecards.

Wanna win?!

To enter:

1. Leave a comment with a pregnancy tip, pregnancy or baby item you had to have, or piece of information you think I really should know!

2. Follow this blog.

3. Follow me on Twitter.

4. Tweet the following:

There is a beautiful set of 24 notecards up for grabs from @nataliejanette. Enter here - http://tinyurl.com/yk3oe9a

Please leave a separate comment for each entry!

Winner will be chosen on Thursday, February 4, after 9pm CST. Winner will be contacted by email, so please make sure you leave your email address if you do not log in using your Google account. Winner will have 48 hours to respond, or another winner will be chosen. Open to US residents only.

I blog with integrity. I was not monetarily compensated for this giveaway, but was given 20 announcement cards from Two Silly Sisters to review. This review brought to you by MomMadeThat.Com

Lunch and Conversation with a 24 6 Year Old

2010-02-01T14:30:00.000-06:00

I went to lunch with my aunt and 6-year-old cousin to tell them that I was having a baby. I gave them their Valentine's Day card, and watched as my sweet girl processed what she was reading.

"So, you WAS having a baby, and then you WASN'T having a baby, and now you ARE having a baby???"

(What I wouldn't give to redo this moment, just to have a camera out to capture the look on her face. I almost think she was as excited as I was when I saw the double line).

"Yes, that's a good way to put it!"

She took a drink of her water, tilted her head to the side, and smiled.

"Hmmm."

And then she went back to coloring on the back of her placemat.

Nearly 20 minutes later, in the car on the way home, she asked "What will you do if this baby dies?"

And choking back tears, I replied "Aaron and I will just try again!"

That answer satisfied her, as much as a 6 year-old can be satisfied, and I couldn't control my emotions. I wanted to crawl into the back seat and hold her and hug her and let her hug me back. I didn't cry because I was sad, I cried because she cares. She has the heart of a young woman and the curiosity of a child. She asked a question that many adults would like to ask, but are too afraid to know the answer to. She made me say aloud what would actually happen if this baby died. We would try again.

Oh yes, we would try, try again.

And then she asked if she could be the first person to babysit and of course I said yes. How could I say no to such a sweet little girl who genuinely cares about me, about Aaron, and about our baby.

***********************

Yesterday, she gave me a card for the baby. The inside contained a $1 bill and some change. "For the babies piggie bank", she told me.

This baby is the richest baby in the world. It is loved more than it will ever know.

Introductions

2010-01-29T15:19:00.002-06:00

Hi there,

My name is Baby Cline.

I go by bebe (my mom calls me that. Well, my mom actually calls me lots of things, but mostly she calls me bebe). My mom and dad took me to the Doctor today and I was moving around so much, the Doctor could hardly take my picture! My mom thinks that maybe she'll call me Tiny Dancer. I know what I am, but no one else does yet. My mom and dad will find out at the Doctor soon enough, that is, if my mom quits eating apples and starts eating more chocolate. Otherwise, I’m not going to let her see. She’s making me kinda mad with all the healthy stuff she’s trying to eat. I know she doesn’t like cake, but I do, and I want a piece! Is it really that much to ask??

I bet when I do show my parents if I’m a boy or a girl, they will tell you. Neither one of them are very good at keeping secrets, but can you believe they’ve known about me since DECEMBER 1, and didn’t tell (very many of) you?!

So far, I haven’t made my mom very sick. Well, wait. There was the month of December. I mean, it wasn’t that bad. I just needed lots of her energy, so she took a nap. Every. Day. And then I made her hormones kinda crazy (at least that’s what my dad says), so she cried some and then laughed again the next minute, and then felt like she was going to be sick. I heard the Doctor tell her it was from the hormones. Man, I wish you could’ve seen her – she looked green some days!

I got to travel a lot over Christmas. My parents weren’t ready to tell the world about me, but because my mom looked green and napped a lot (see above paragraph), they had to tell my Nana when they were at her house. She would’ve known something was wrong with my mom. Not only was she feeling sick, she hardly ate anything. And when she did eat, it was just those crazy Granny Smith Apples. I guess she likes them. I heard her say something about the texture and tartness. She also doesn't really like meat right now, except for cheeseburgers. And she drinks A LOT of water.

My Doctor is pretty cool. He lets my mom and dad see me every time we go to his office. My mom is worried that something will happen to me, so he lets her see me and my heartbeat. I’m growing just like he wants me too, so I’ll be here around August 9th. My dad’s birthday is August 19th and he said something once about how cool it would be if we had the same birthday. I don’t know what happened after that, but I heard my dad say “OUCH”. I think my mom pushed him down the steps.

Well, I think that’s all for now. There’s more to talk about, but my mom has to pee (oh man, does she ever have to pee).

Homesick

2010-01-25T09:16:00.003-06:00

I shouldn't be here. I should be at home.

Texas is beautiful. It's a cool 40 degrees right now, but by noon, it will be 65. Authentic Mexican food at every corner, a slower way of life, "Thank you Ma'am" and "Yes Ma'am", I long to be so polite to strangers.

An early morning wake up from a 3 year-old who just wants Uncle Aaron to "dit up" and watch "bartoons". A good morning kiss for Aunt Madalie.

The sun is shining down on the river and the deer graze in the field right by Starbucks. I sit on the patio here, and I see the river, feeling the sun warm on my face, even though I am cold.

I should be at Starbucks in Schererville. Wearing yoga pants and a too-small sweatshirt, a scarf and any shoes that fit, with a puddle from melted snow at my feet.

Aaron and I love to travel, vacation and spend time with family. This is our third trip to Texas in as many years. Our time to forget about the cold and shoveling and the driving in sludge.

When I found out in June that we were having a baby, I told Aaron I wasn't sure if we'd be able to come to Texas this winter. After talking with my doctor and receiving a due date of February 18, we discussed the possibility of traveling to Texas in December, before Christmas, to see how people celebrate winter holidays without snow. I imagine it'd be hard for me to get into the Christmas spirit without cold and snow, but I didn't have to try.

And so here we are. Because I'm not wearing clothes that are too tight, and I'm not dealing with Braxton Hicks contractions. I don't have a bag packed by the door, and the spare bedroom has yet to become a nursery. The vacation I thought we wouldn't be able to take is nearly over, and we'll be back to the life we've come to know. Which is a beautiful, wonderful life.

I'm ready for the comfort of my own bed, my own shower, and more than 3 clean shirts to choose from (that's debatable, depending on how the laundry room looks). I'm ready to see my puppy, and have him keep me warm by laying on my feet while I lounge on the couch, watching episodes of Ellen and Real Housewives.

I want to be home.

A lot of nothing.

2010-01-19T16:37:00.004-06:00

Well hello there, little bloggy blog! I did not forget about you, but I've been at a loss of words. I know, I know - I never really stop talking. But lots of times, I get tired of hearing my own voice. So I think others probably get tired of hearing my rambling too.

Tomorrow we leave for Texas! I'm excited to visit with Aaron's family and spend some time away from snow. Even though it's not HOT in Texas, at least it's not 30 degrees. And that's good enough for me.

When we come back from Texas, I go back to work! And then my winter vacation will be over! And I won't have time to blog, but I will finally have something to talk about!

Funny how that works, huh?

This cold is getting old.

2010-01-02T18:38:00.004-06:00

It's a cold, snowy Saturday night, and I am sitting on the couch with my sweet puppy Duke while my husband is off playing a (well-deserved!) game of poker.

I've been fighting this cold all week, and he's been bringing me tissues and cough drops and tea, and he needed to get out of this infirmary. I always miss him while he's gone, but I think I'll be going to bed extra early tonight to kick this cold in the you-know-where.

Christmas was really wonderful for us this year. Thanks to the kindness of my mom, my brother, and my grandparents, I have the complete Willow Tree Nativity, which I LOVE and have been wanting since I started collecting them a couple years ago. I was really blessed with a lot of other wonderful things and I will tell you about them when I get off the couch for more than 15 minutes at a time.

We spent time with all the family we could sqeeze into 7 days and 700 miles and it was really nice to be around so much love and giving. I wish I had some great pictures to show you, but this cold - it's affecting all areas of my life, including transfering photos from the camera to the computer. And forget editing. (And I'm going through puberty again, so you don't want to see those photos unedited. {pimples.})

Still working on a 2009 in review. I will get to it eventually and it will be FANTASTIC. (it will. just wait.)

But for now, I think I'll take a bath and drink some tea and continue to act like I'm 80 years old.

The Worst "End of 2009" Post You've Ever Read

2009-12-31T17:22:00.003-06:00

(This is where I'm supposed to write something witty about what 2009 meant to me, and about how it changed me and what I'll remember most.)

(And here is where I'm supposed to write about my hopes and dreams for 2010, my potential resolutions and desires for the year).

(And here is where I tell you that I have a terrible cold and have been laying on the couch all day. I plan to stay here most of the night unless I can convince Aaron to take me out for Mexican food. I mean, if anything is going to clear these sinuses, it's jalepenos.)

Happy New Year. Be well.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

2009-12-23T16:04:00.009-06:00

When we were little, my parents used to tell us that they convinced Santa to bring our presents early because we had to go to grandma's in the morning. When I was old enough to drive, I would take my brother and sister to the town nearby on Christmas Eve to purchase carrots* for Rudolph and his friends, and every.single.year. when we arrived home, Santa had already been to our house! On Christmas Eve! We always missed him!

Santa must have known we were going to be busy this year, because he already stopped by. And rumor has it, he told my mom I've been a very good girl this year.

My mom's Christmas tree is full of old ornaments and love. Yes, a Christmas tree can hold love. Love and memories and family.

"Christmas - that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance - a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved." ~Augusta E. Rundel

For the year we put behind us, I am thankful. I've been happy, and I've been sad. I've been overwhelmed with love and kindness and the friendship of strangers. I've learned things about myself that I'm glad I know, and I've learned things about myself that require a bit of work in the coming year(s). We've loved and we've lost, but we've gained! We've gained Faith and Hope and Love and Trust!

For, we've always had Joy. The Joy that so many only reflect on at this time of year, when it is safe to proclaim that Jesus came to save the world! But I hope that we, that I, will never need a holiday or a season to proclaim that My Joy comes from knowing My Jesus.

Merry Christmas, friends.

xoxo,

Natalie (& Aaron)

{My mom did not buy a defective ornament, there really is an "h" there.}

*{Mom, did you use those carrots, or were they just a prop?}

Pink Thursday for Cora

2009-12-09T16:42:00.004-06:00

The Internet has provided a place for us to come, as sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and friends, to support each other. We shout with jubilation when there is success or happiness! And we cry with each other when there is sadness from miscarriage, divorce, and loss of loved ones. We pray for each other when children are sick and husbands are traveling and mothers are overwhelmed.

Community, please meet Kristine and Sweet Cora. Cora was born on Monday, November 29, 2009 in Fort Wayne, IN and passed away on December 6, 2009. The story of her life and death from her mother's words:

Cora died instantly on my chest while breastfeeding. One hundred percent healthy pregnancy, labor, and delivery. She scored 9s on both Apgar test. We jumped in the car and drove 70 through Decatur to the hospital as soon as I looked down and saw her bloodied face covering my breast. Getting her there within moments of her stopping breathing. She had a heart condition impossible to detect in utero or at birth without special testing.

Cora was meant to teach us something I'm sure of it. She changed my life. Ben and I quit smoking, struggled to prepare financially, took parenting classes, and after she was born watched her in shifts. She was never alone even when sleeping. We were all meant to learn something from her.

Compassion, patience, love.

The service to remember Cora is being held Thursday, December 10, 2009. Cora's family has asked that we join them in wearing PINK to honor Cora's life.

Please link up your posts complete with pictures of you and/or your family wearing Pink. It will mean so much to the family. (Please link directly to your post, not to the main page of your blog. If you need help with this, please email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com or leave a message here).

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2009-12-03T22:13:00.003-06:00

Christmas is missing something this year. A big round belly, presents to open for "the baby" - it's just not going to be what I thought it was. But it's not going to be terrible, because we have each other, and we have a family that loves and cares for us and hopes the best for us.

And we have our Angel.

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. My parents house is warm and always smells like cookies and Christmas and the smell of love. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it all year.

And on Christmas morning, our whole family gathers together in Grandma's little house and we all have to sit on top of each other and try not to dump our plates on each other and on the floor, because the house is so small when it's filled with all that love.

The tree is up and most of the presents are wrapped. The Jessica Simpson Christmas CD is in the CD player in the car, and soon, we will bake cookies.

Christmas is not a day, it is a season. A season that reminds me of Peace, Hope, and Love.

I pray that for you too.

Family Candids

2009-11-25T12:51:00.003-06:00

I met with Ryan and Gina last Friday to capture some candid moments of them with their adorable children, Jase and Misha.

Oh My Gosh. She's precious!

Really? I can't stand the cuteness.

YUM.

Jase has the greatest smile!

This photography thing? I'm lovin' it.

How He Looks At Her

2009-11-21T01:08:00.004-06:00

(I had a photo shoot today with this adorable family. I'll show more pictures later, but had to share this one now.)

Kori & Drew

2009-11-16T14:07:00.002-06:00

Took advantage of the gorgeous weather in Northwest Indiana this weekend with a photoshoot!

Lots of things you never wanted to know about me!

2009-11-15T23:45:00.003-06:00

I don't usually do these, but I was tagged by Jen, and I had a lot of iced tea today and I can't sleep. SO.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Resourceful Mommy :)

2. Where was your first kiss? In a car.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? Never, always afraid of getting caught.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Never punched anyone of any sex! I'm a lover, not a fighter.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Lots of times - high school musicals, high school show choir (including a performace at Walt Disney World), many weeks of worship
team at church, leading vocals for the praise band at Campus Crusade in college, and 9 weddings.

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? I try not to look at other men ~~except Gerard Butler, because HELLO? Whoa.~~

7. What really turns you off? Lying

8. What do you order at Starbucks? Venti Black Iced Tea, 2 Sweet-n-low, or Grande Hot Chocolate, 1 shot of Peppermint, Skinny, No-whip.

9. What is your biggest mistake? ~~I don't make mistakes~~ I try to think of everything in my life as a learning experience, and really, I don't regret a single thing or think that I made any mistakes.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? No, but once I did cut my own hair and it looked AWFUL.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I am currently watching the Disney Channel.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Heidi Klum. Or my mom, because she is the Mayor of the town I grew up in, and we totally look alike.

13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? OHHHH, see #11.

14. Did you have braces? Ugh, yes. And I hated every minute of those 2.5 years.

15. Are you comfortable with your height? What's not to like about being 5'10" and looking like Heidi Klum?!

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Mr. Cline would be embarrassed if he knew I told you I think he is very romantic! He surprised me with an "at-home" spa for our anniversary this year because we didn't end up wanting to go out of town.

17. When do you know its love? I think love is a choice, and "knowing it's love" is different for everyone. But for the sake of answering the question - for Aaron, I knew it when we got in our first argument, and I knew I wanted to work it out instead of just walk away.

18. Do you speak any other languages? Happy to say that after 4 semesters of American Sign Language, I still remember my nam! And flower! And cookie! But that's about it.

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Not only have I been to a tanning salon, I used to work at one. Woot.

20. What magazines do you read? Parents, Working Mother, Glamour.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes, a few times. But the first time was in the 5th grade because I sold magazines for the fall fundraiser at school and got to ride in a limo to Pizza Hut. Fancy, 'cause that's how we roll.

23. Do you watch MTV? I haven't in a long time.

24. What's something that really annoys you? People who lie, and bad drivers.

25. What's something you really like? Mexican Food

26. Do you like Michael Jackson? I like Michael Jackson circa 1980's.

27. Can you dance? I can shake my groove thing, yes.

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? All night? All the time in High School and College. Not so much anymore. Lately, probably 2ish.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? No, only been to the ER 1 time and that's because I tripped over a parking block and cut my knee. Because I'm full of gracefullness.

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Of course! I love learning new things about people to ~~use as blackmail~~ deepen our friendship!

My heart hurts so bad.

2009-11-09T14:28:00.001-06:00

I don’t usually blog during work hours, but I need you...

I’ve just learned that a dear friend from High School is having some complications in her pregnancy and will go in for an ultrasound tomorrow looking for a heartbeat. During a visit last week, the ultrasound revealed a sac and a fetus, but no heartbeat. Her hCG levels continue to climb, however.

My heart is broken. I feel sick to my stomach. She does not deserve this. Just as none of us did.

If you’re one for prayers, please remember N tonight as you go before the Great Physician. If you’re one for thinking positive thoughts and sending good energy, she would appreciate that too.

This community is one of love and comfort and support, and I know you will not let her down.

Thank you so, so much.

The Necklace

2009-11-03T19:52:00.002-06:00

My therapist suggested I give the baby a name. Even though we didn't know what we were having, she told me to follow my instinct and pick a name. It didn't take a lot of thought, I knew the baby was a girl, and I knew we would have given her a name that started with the letter A.

And so she was to be my Angelina. My Angel.

I never told anyone (even Aaron) about this task I had been assigned, or the name I had picked, but when I talk to her, I call her Angelina. It has helped my grieving process tremendously. And I hadn't ever planned to tell anyone....

Back in October, Casey posted a picture of one of the couture pieces from The R House Etsy Shop. I emailed the link to Aaron and asked him to buy me one of the necklaces for my birthday, and to surprise me with what it said.

It came in the mail last week, and I didn't even want to peak because I love surprises! I couldn't wait for my birthday so I could see which one of the pieces he had chosen!

Last night, I was very sad and missing my baby so much. Aaron and I had a wonderful, heartfelt talk about all we'd been through, and I told him that my therapist had recommended I give the baby a name. After giving it some thought, he asked me if we could call her Angel. My tears turned to sobs as I told him I had been calling her that all along, and then he asked me if he could give me my birthday present a few days early.

Of course. She's always been our Angel.

Who has the chocolate?

2009-10-29T19:17:00.004-05:00

I am overly emotional at other's pregnancy annoucements. I was when I was trying to get pregnant, but now that I'm not anymore, those annoucements are even harder to read.

I don't have anything against pregnant woman, and I genuinely wish wonderful, uncomplicated pregnancies for them all. I have, and always will, think that pregnancy is a true miracle, and a pregnant body is amazing and beautiful.

I'm trying to be happy for the women in my life who are pregnant, because I want them to be happy for me too. It's just hard. And it makes me wonder if hearing that I was pregnant was hard for other women. I'm sure it was, and I'm sorry if I flaunted it or rubbed it in.

The thing is, I KNOW this is bad. I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. I KNOW this is selfish.

But it's still so hard. So, so hard.

**************

I had my appointment today, and am thankful for all your prayers. The doctor said everything looked okay, but we will know for sure when the test results come back.

This post is overly emotional. I can only apologize. And go eat chocolate.

Why the Mirror? Seriously.

2009-10-28T15:20:00.005-05:00

No nerves. This is an odd feeling for me, to have to go to the doctor and have tests done and things frozen and be partially naked in a room with a mirror (WTH?), and not be nervous.

But after the year I’ve had, it’s the new normal for me.

Back in May, I had a procedure done that involved partial nakedness and scraping and other things that scared me. And I thought I might have cervical cancer.

Anyhow.

I was nervous on my way to that appointment. I cried and I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up. But it ended up being okay.

And then I had to drive back to that office again in July, and had an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear. The drive there was filled with tears, and shaking, and feeling like I was going to vomit. And when I left that office knowing that I had lost my baby, I couldn’t imagine ever being that scared again. I couldn’t think that driving there would ever feel quite as terrible as that day.

But that day was also filled with prayer. And it changed the course of the day. I prayed, WE PRAYED, and it was okay. It wasn’t good, but it was okay.

And so tomorrow I will have another procedure done. I am not scared, because I will pray. I’m sure I will have butterflies, and probably feel a little bit sick to my stomach. But I know that no matter the outcome, it will be okay. It might not be good, but it will be okay.

(I’m not doctor, but my mom’s a nurse. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this, but my best attempt at the medical explanation of this is over at my Conceive blog.)

Thoughts For A Friday Afternoon.

2009-10-23T14:03:00.005-05:00

Being a blogger for Conceive Magazine is kinda hard when my focus has been on loss instead of gain. My mindset is changing though, and this side of conception that I'm on gets a little brighter each day.

During this time, the community over at Conceive Online has been encouraging and uplifting and well, pregnant!

(Oh, and I wrote over there today.)

Thanks for all your encouraging and hopeful comments on my last post. I really hope it's nothing too. I have an appointment next Thursday and am keeping my fingers crossed.

Because, as you'll see over here, we're ready.

Ugh.

2009-10-22T22:30:00.003-05:00

The phone rang at the most inappropriate time.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Natalie? This is your doctor's office. The doctor has the result's of your test back, and...we need you to come in again".

"Uh, okay. What's wrong?"

"Well, it appears as though the retest from the procedure you had done in May was 'abnormal'."

Abnormal is not a good word, not when your uterus is involved.

I'll get back to you soon. This sucks. Cause I just wanna have a baby, and my uterus is not cooperating!

Anniversary! (& Winners!)

2009-10-21T22:12:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary! Thank you for all the sweet Twitter and Facebook messages!

We exchanged our vows,

While a couple member's of the wedding party took afternoon naps.

We hugged a tree,

And then met Elvis on our honeymoon!

Also, at one point on our honeymoon, we ate at Wendy's. And this picture captures Aaron's personality and makes me smile.

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband!

***************************

There were a couple Anonymous commenters who were chosen to receive the Seeds of Hope from Earth Mama Angel Baby. I have listed the comment time here, and if it was your comment, and you would like the Seeds, please email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com.

If you do not want to identify yourself, I completely understand. You will have until Monday, October 26 at 9 am to email me your information. If there are unclaimed packets of Seeds of Hope, I will choose new names. Also, if your name is listed below and you did not receive an email, it was because I did not have your address. Please email me!

Seeds of Hope

Michele

Living In A Girls World

Julia

JayBee

RHCP - 10/15 - 9:03 am

SaraJoy

The Root of All Evel

Anon (Amy T) - 10/15 - 2:37 pm

Rachel - 10/18 - 4:02 am

The winner of the $25 gift certificate to the Earth Mama Angel Baby site is Mrs. Soup! Hopefully you find something wonderful for yourself or Baby Soup!

Thank you to Earth Mama Angel Baby for providing the Seeds of Hope and gift certificate!

Wave of Light

2009-10-15T22:26:00.008-05:00

This day, made easier by the love and support of many. Thank you for coming here and sharing your stories. To those of you who shared by email or Facebook, thank you.

I read your comments, prayed, and cried with you over your loses. And tonight, at 7pm, people around the world lit candles in honor of all the babies lost.

I lit a candle for every baby honored here today, and I remembered.

I wish you could have felt the warmth coming from those candles.

******************************

I have been fortunate enough to to get to know some of the amazing Mama's over at Earth Mama Angel Baby.. I met Sheri, one of the Mama's, at BlogHer (back in July) while I was enjoying the wonder of pregnancy. I talked with her about the products offered for pregnant mothers and their babies. I inquired about a display on a table all it's own, and she identified the products as the Baby Loss Comfort line, for women suffering baby loss. I commented how wonderful it was that they carried such products, and should I have a friend who experiences loss, I would keep them in mind to send a care package.

Shortly after the miscarriage, I was fortunate to receive those very products I had looked at with a saddened heart. Sheri spent the next weeks checking in on me, and offering support through words and resources.

I have since had the opportunity to communicate with more of the team, and the wonderful Mama's over at Earth Mama Angel Baby know that my heart is to reach out to women who are dealing with baby loss.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, they have generously donated ten (10) packets of Seeds of Hope for those of you who come here to support me, and to find support.

Seeds of Hope contain certified organic and organically grown seeds which you can plant in honor of your baby.

This giveaway is not difficult. Just leave a comment below. If you left a comment on this post, you are also eligible. Ten (10) winners will be randomly chosen and your Seeds of Hope will be mailed to you. There really are no strings attached. My hope is that you will be encouraged by the Seeds of Hope, and by the products Earth Mama Angel Baby offers.

In addition, one reader will receive a $25 gift card to be used on any of the products on their site. All comments on this post and this post will be eligible.

Thank you for being here. Your support these past weeks have carried me.

*I blog with integrity. Earth Mama Angel Baby sent me products following my miscarriage, and I am thankful to pass some of their products on to you. I was not monetarily compensated for this post. All winners will be contacted by email (if provided) or will be displayed on this blog. Giveaway ends and winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 20, after 9pm.

The Tears Just Keep Coming

2009-10-14T21:10:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. As I sit tonight and try to find the words to express what I'm feeling, I come up short. I miss my baby. It's just not fair. To never feel her move, to never hear his heartbeat.

But on the day I should be entering my 22nd week of Pregnancy, I will stand united with the hundreds of thousands of parents who have lost their babies. The statistics are staggering; the heartache breath taking. Our babies are gone and we will never be the same.

I will forever cherish the weeks I spent with our baby growing inside of me. I will forever remember the day we lost that miracle. My heart will never be the same, my family never complete. But there is hope and I know this. The joy comes in the morning!

I know some of you come here and don't comment and that's okay. But today, if you feel safe (and I truly hope you do), please leave a comment in honor of your baby. Your babies. You can comment anonymously if you wish.

I cannot express the difference you all have made in my life, and I would be honored to pray for you and for your lost children. I will be on my knees for you tomorrow and in the coming days and weeks. You have my word.

My name is Natalie Cline and I lost my first child to miscarriage at 10w4d on Monday, July 27, 2009.

10/09/2009

2009-10-08T20:55:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow, I have been "not pregnant" for the same amount of time that I was pregnant.

10 weeks, 4 days.

The first 10w4d went very quickly. They were days filled with excitement and anticipation and annoucements!

The last 10w4d have crawled by, taking their sweet time. They are days filled with questions and wonder and fear. But they are also days filled with hope and belief.

I feel like I've reached a milestone, and the future excites me.

Thank you for being here.

Awareness Ribbons

2009-10-05T21:24:00.003-05:00

To me, October has always meant Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I wore pink ribbons on my clothes, tied them around my purse, and changed the profile picture on my Facebook account to one with a pink ribbon. I taped posters of pink ribbons on my dorm room. I had a pink ribbon magnet on the back of my car. I encouraged all of the women in my life to get "squished" and all the men in my life to remind the women in their lives.

I remember Mrs. Bright and Aunt Pat, who fought a hard fight. I honor a customer named Carole, and now Lori, a mother from my home town, who I just KNOW is going to beat the cancer! I praised God for sparing the other women in my life who have been so blessed to have "good" exams and mammograms. Remembering Breast Cancer Awareness during October (and all year) has always been (and will continue to be) very important in my life.

But did you know that October is also Baby Loss Awareness Month? I wasn't going to bring it up, but when I read Sara's post today, I know I had to recognize it. Not just for me, but for you. And for you. And also for you.

Whether you lost your baby, or your grandbaby. Your neice, nephew, or sibling. I'm sorry I didn't recognize. I'm sorry I hoped it wasn't real.

But it is. It is very real and very painful and yet, it brings healing.

I haven't decided what I will do on October 15th to honor my baby. In fact, I haven't quite figured out what any of this means.

Unlike Breast Cancer Awareness, which has always been "such a great cause", this awareness is very real to me. There are no extra ribbons on my purse, no magnets on my car.

I wear this ribbon on my heart.

No Turning Back

2009-09-29T21:27:00.006-05:00

I've been feeling good lately.

OHMYGOSHWHATDIDSHEJUSTSAY?

Yes, good.

Trust me, it is unreal to me most days, this peace that overwhelms me. But it is not easy. I worry that once I say "I'm good, thank you", I won't be able to go back to "I'm okay today" or "I'm having a hard day".

I know these things are not true. I know that it's okay to take a step back. But I'm afraid that once I say things are good, I'm good, people will forget. And think it's okay for us all to just move right along and pretend nothing ever happened. And not understand the next time I have a hard day (and I know that day will come).

I want to feel good. I've prayed to feel peace and I know you've prayed for it also. Thank you.

Promise me that you'll understand one good day doesn't mean another. And that feeling "good" doesn't take away the bad. Promise me that when I say things are good, you won't forget.

I'm so scared you'll forget.

Mummy Deals!

2009-09-28T21:03:00.007-05:00

My friend Clair runs a very informative website on saving money! Whether you want to save so that you can quit your job to stay home with the kids, save for a vacation, or just have more shoes, Clair's shopping tips can help!

She doesn't expect you to take hours a week clipping coupons, so she links to the best deals around! I have saved a considerable amount of money this year on body products, make-up, and items for around the house. By combining coupons and store deals, I managed to pick up 4 bottles of name brand body soap for $.27 each in 2 shopping trips taking a total of 10 minutes! That's a HUGE deal!

Clair is starting a video series called "How to slash your grocery bill" and I encourgage you to check out her site. The best way to benefit from her program is to sign up for her email update. (She sends out one email a day highlighting all of the deals on her blog, and she doesn't send spam.) At the end of the series, she will be having giveaways that you DO NOT want to miss!

So, what are you waiting for? Go to Clair's site, Mummy Deals, and sign up for her email update. Then send her an email and tell her I sent you! You'll be glad you did!

Conceive

2009-09-24T12:12:00.004-05:00

The wonderful gals over at Conceive have been so patient with me as I figure out the direction to take my blog, The Lost Stork. They have offered support and encouragement which is so appreciated.

I posted there today, and hopefully will get back in the swing of things soon!

Never the same, but yes.

2009-09-22T19:36:00.004-05:00

In this club, the membership eligibilty is loss and no one wants in. But here we are.

Our stories are similar, but not the same. Never the same. It was my first baby, my mother's third and fifth, my grandma's fourth. Never the same.

I was nearly 11 weeks, she was further. She held her baby, and then released him to Jesus.

Never the same.

There is a loss that brings old friends together. A loss that brings new friends into our lives.

But the ties that bind are strong. There is compassion and love and immediate friendship. A connection beyond ourselves, and we know who brings us together. Our Angels bring us together.

A shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. A friend to call on in the darkness. She has been there, He understands, They know. Our stories are never the same, but yes. They are so much alike.

Longing, then loss. Grief and coping. Living, despite the pain.

We are united, and together we stand.

*Should you be here today because you too are a member of this club, I am so sorry. You are always welcome here, please email me if you'd like to talk.

Weekend Pt. 1

2009-09-21T20:07:00.006-05:00

This weekend, I had lots of fun and lots of opportunities to take some photos. On Friday night, Dory danced at the local high school football game. I don't really do well with action shots, so you can't see them.

On Saturday morning, I went to Crush's soccer game. I took my camera, but please refer to paragraph one.

Dory and I spent a couple hours together, taking pictures and laughing about things that are funny to a 9 year-old. We had such a sweet time together.

We went to a nearby park, and saw lots of amazing flowers, which I had to capture.

And then we saw a butterfly.

After the awful dreams I've been having, I needed that butterfly.

Oh, I needed that butterfly.

I have a scanner! WHO KNEW??

2009-09-17T22:00:00.006-05:00

I don't know where to take this post, but wanted to post pictures. Well, because I have a scanner and I just learned how to use it! TECHNOLOGY!

Gosh, it was good to be a Toledo Rocket!

Is that a child's hair tie you're wearing? Why, YES, it is! Thank you for noticing!

Oh, and, are you wearing a sweatshirt around your waist?

Yes! I am! Good observation!

(Currently looking for waist. If anyone finds it, let me know)

Oh, hai. It was wear "different shades of blue" day.

No. It wasn't. I lied.

Also, my roommate is wearing a coat, gloves, and a hat, AND carrying a blanket (??) and I'm wearing two shirts. I have thick blood.

No. I don't. I'm lying again.

I was trying to be fashionable and couldn't mess it up with a coat (HA).

The next week, I nearly died from what they called a "cold", but I think it was more like the swine flu and they just hadn't thought of the name yet.

Not surprisingly, these girls called me "Casper" and even scratched out the label on my make-up (Ivory) and wrote over it (Dead). Yes. At church camp.

Just you wait. Next week, I'll scan in pictures from HIGH SCHOOL. YEEEEEE!

SaraJoy

2009-09-15T22:05:00.003-05:00

I want you to meet Sara. She lost her little boy, Joel, in June 2009. She has been an incredible encouragement to me these past few weeks.

And I want you to read her post titled Translation. Because I couldn't have said it better myself. Her words are so accurate. So painfully beautiful. So....perfect.

Please send her support and love.

Where Were YOU When the World Stopped Turning?

2009-09-10T23:41:00.003-05:00

It was a Tuesday that started like any other. I jumped out of my top bunk and hurried off to class, making small talk with my roommate of just two weeks.

I arrived to class early, as all good students do, and took my seat. Sociology 101. A kid who hadn't been on time yet that semester, walked in about 10 minutes late and sat beside me. He turned around and said something to the student behind him about an airplane hitting a building in New York. How crazy.

I left class, and made the journey across campus to the Center for Performing Arts to attend my Women's Choir class. It seemed like every student I passed was on their cell phone. When I entered the CPA, there were students gathered around a television in the lobby. Some of them were crying, some were staring blankly. I remember vividly that no one was talking. I didn't dare ask what was happening, but walked to my classroom and waited to be told. I don't remember feeling anything at this point, because I just didn't know what was going on.

When I left class, the campus was eerily quiet. Lots of students were still on their cell phones, classes had been cancelled for the rest of the day, and the Student Union was shutting down. I walked back across campus to my dorm, and walked up to the elevator. When the elevator doors opened to take me to the 13th floor, there stood a lone young man, a college freshman. He was wearing his uniform, and he looked brave. I asked him where he was going, and he replied "I don't know, but they told me to come".

My heart dropped. Just as it has done again, recalling the look on his face. A look that said "I will do what I have to so that you are safe tonight". I felt safe just encountering him.

The elevator could not get to my floor fast enough. I walked down the hallway, past one open door after another. Some rooms had gathered many students, other rooms were nearly empty.

My roommate was in our room, and when I walked in, we bearly spoke to each other, but I know I felt connected to her. Our Nation had just experienced a tragedy, and we were in it together. We joined other friends in a room across campus, where we watched the events 9/11 unfold, prayed, and contacted our families. We had hardly known each other, and yet, we were united. All Americans were united.

There was a prayer vigil organized and students of all religions joined together in the middle of the campus to cry out to God, asking why and how and pleading for safety.

The rest of the week was a complete blur. I don't remember when classes started again, I don't remember watching anything else on television. I don't remember what I was wearing. But I know where I was, and who I was with. And I remember how I felt.

I felt pride that our country stood together. I felt complete sadness that so many people lost their lives. Heartbroken that wives went to bed without their husbands, children without their mothers, parents without their children. Civilians, Military Men and Women, the Men and Women of the New York Fire and Police Departments, all answered the call, to defend freedom, and protect lives.

And today, I feel pride. Pride for My Country. Pride for My Brother, My Uncle, My Brother-in-law, who have all served in Operation Freedom. Many others like them, who put on their brave face, and served. Away from their families, away from a comfortable bed, air conditioning, the security of sleeping at night. They missed Christmases, Birthday's, Weddings. They missed milestones in their children's lives, celebrating anniversaries with their spouses.

I cannot express my gratitude. I have no words for the way I feel. My heart is overflowing with appreciation for the sacrifices made for my safety! My heart overflows with pride that people I love are brave and selfless!

They sacrifice for me. And for you. And for us. And they are the reason I can sleep tonight, knowing well that I live in the best country in the world.

"I have answered my nation's call.

I am a warrior.

I defend my country with my life.

I will not falter.

I will not fail."

(I thought long and hard about posting pictures of my family and friends in the military here, but am so concerned with their protection. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Thank you for sending your pictures to me. )

I would love to hear where you were on 9/11/01, or if you have loved ones in the military. I think it is crucial that we always remember.

Woot!

2009-09-09T21:03:00.002-05:00

The contest is over and the winners are Lissa and Bacardi Mama!

And this very short, very boring post is over.

BECAUSE MY HUSBAND JUST OFFERED ME A BACKRUB AND I HAVE TO GO NOW.