Friday, July 16, 2010

Death. And New Life.

Death and grief and sadness is not the direction I intended for this blog to go this spring/summer. But? Life. It happens.

As I was laying in bed last Friday night/Saturday morning, wide awake, playing on Twitter and Facebook, I learned that a young man I went to high school with had just passed away. "Just" as in, 1 hour before I woke up. "Just" as in, 28-years-old, with a wife and three children and did I say 28-years-old? Massive seizure, bleeding on the brain, nothing they could do. 28-years-old.

I stared blankly at my phone, trying to understand something that I probably never will. I wasn't "best friends" with Rusty. We didn't "hang out". But I graduated with 76 people. We knew each other. We knew about each other's families and siblings and plans after high school. When I was in the sixth grade, Rusty is the one who told me (in the middle of Mr. Burnett's 5th period science class) that Brandon didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore (I didn't hold that against him, I didn't want to be Brandon's girlfriend anymore anyhow). (I recall a lot of details of this breakup because I'm a detail oriented person. Not because it was the end of the world for the 12-year-old me. Ahem.)

So I closed out the Facebook application, and opened Twitter. Pregnancy insomnia, infants, and sick babies of all ages had many of my friends awake at 4am. It was comical that so many of us were online at the same time, chatting away, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, Megan's water breaks. And she's off to have a baby.

And I just laid there and cried. Rusty died. Megan had a baby. Life. A big circle. It happens.

I don't get it. But, it is. It just, is.

I'm not going to get all Elton John/Lion King on you, but the Circle of Life? Yeah.

"Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round"

Knowing that it's all "part of life" doesn't make death easier. The grief is still overwhelming, from my uncle to my FIL to this man I spent so many hours a day/week/year with. My grief for him is real, while not as intense as that of my family members. But I also grieve for his young wife and 3 young children.

No one thinks that their "mid-life" is 14 or 21 or 29. And yet, in the past 2 months, I've seen it. I don't know if I've hit my "mid-life", passed my "mid-life", or am years away from my "mid-life". But what I DO know is that I don't want to waste a single day. Because not one is granted, not one is promised.

Are you living like you're dying? I think we should do it together. I think it will set us free.

"So if your life flashed before you, What would you wish you would've done?
Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying" ~ Kris Allen, Live Like We're Dying


Adventures In Babywearing said...

It's not "mid-life" ... it's just life. But not everyone really obeys their heart and lets themselves live it. It's been a crazy year, a crazy life, but you're turning out quite well. I'm so proud of you. Can't wait to meet that new life inside you. :)


r- m val said...

I agree. I love that music speaks to you like I often feel it speaks to me. I also am thankful that you can see the lesson in the loss. I pray daily for your heart. Take care of it. It's about to overflow with love when you're sweet girl gets here.

T.W.I.T. said...

Wow!! I'm writing this with a lump in my throat.. my MIL's dad passed away last night & this was the perfect thing to place my heart in the right place!
Thanks :)
I'm super sorry for all of your loss!!
Have a Fabulous Day!

Amanda said...

Whenever I hear of someone who at one point touched my life in some way has passed away it does something to me. I can't get it out of my mind and I think about all of the people that are so effected by this happening.

Rusty sure was young, and after I read your post I stopped and said a little prayer for his wife and children and all the people who loved and cared about him at some point in their life.

Death is scary, you never know..... and that scares me.

~Mendie~ said...

Oh Natalie, I am so sorry that you and your family has to go thru another has been a tough year indeed.

That tiny dancer is gonna get so many squeezes when she makes her appearance...she has helped you thru so many things already. Hugs.

Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

It is hard to lose someone when they are so young. Or when they are old, when they are loved. It just reminds me of how life is not promised to us and every day truly is a gift. I think I'll go kiss my kids now . . .

Hyacynth said...

Ok, so I'm not going to admit to liking that country song because
1. my husband is sitting right here and he would never let me hear the end of it
2. I don't like country music.
BUT I will say that I totally agree with the message of that song.

A good reminder. Thank you, my friend.