Friday, June 11, 2010

My husband's heart.

I have so much I want to say, but the words are hard to come by. There are tears, and a few words. More tears, and a few more words.

My husband is hurting and I can’t make it go away. This is very difficult for me to accept, because I am a “fixer”. I like to make things better. I can’t make this better.

If asked of 50 people what Aaron’s best trait is, 48 of them would say he has a really big heart. The other 2 would say he is a bad mama-jama.

He loves to buy for people, or give to people from what we already have. If you needed a shirt, he would give you the one off his back, plus $20 to go buy matching sandals at TJMaxx. If you needed money for lunch, he would give you $20 for your lunch, plus the gift card in his wallet for Subway because “he doesn’t really like it anyhow”.

I LOVE my husband’s “big heart”.

The only problem?

His really big heart is capable of really big hurt.

Really. Big.

And right now, I could offer him all the TJMaxx gift cards in the world, or golf passes to the course where he would undoubtedly buy the person he was with a hot dog at “the turn” (I’m not a golfer. I don’t get this.), but it doesn’t matter. There isn’t anything I can give him or buy him or make for him that will make this any better. Or any less bad. Or anything other than the suck of the suckiest suck of the world.

But I have my love and I give it to him. I have my hands, so I make him sandwiches for his lunch. I have my voice, so I speak prayers on his behalf. (Not enough though. I'm working on this. Actually, God is working on me to work on this.)

I do not have much, but I am trying to give him all that I have. Because if the situation were reversed, I would own the TJMaxx chain, and we would eat at Olive Garden every day, even though he doesn’t really like it, and he would bring me Starbucks Iced Tea in bed and at work and in the middle of the night. Because he has a really, really big heart.

A heart that I love. With a really, really big love.

I wish it was enough. It's not right now. But one day, it will be. I just have to believe it. And wait. Just wait.

"... but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)


~Mendie~ said...

Sending the biggest virtual hug your way. I have been thinking of both of you, actually all three of you a lot lately. Knowing all too well the sadness that is in his heart. And even though you might not feel like what you are doing is enough, it is helping him thru this more then you know. Being there when he comes home from a long day and breaks down, that is when you do the most without really doing anything at all.

Just hold him and hug him and it will get a little easier to breathe each day. For both of you.

I think he picked a partner with an equally big heart, because my dear you amaze me with your strength thru all of this!

Kirsten said...

Hugs, Natalie, to you and your husband. I was in your shoes 13 years ago. It's a long, slow process. Just being there to hold and hug and listen is all you can do...and all he needs from you. I wish there was some way to ease the hurt. But God-willing the pain will ease; it will never go away, but life will be less pain-full. My prayers are with both of you.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh, this punches me in the gut because I do know Aaron has the biggest heart, and the biggest smile, you two are precious, and I don't want you hurting.


Mrs Soup said...

The biggest hearts definitely are able to hurt so much more than others....and it leaks out onto so many others. But God will give him peace, and he will know that you, with your equally big heart, are there for him. To help fill the holes.

Love you so dearly.

Kristine said...

Big, big hugs. I'm so sad that you're both hurting. I can't stand seeing Ben in pain, either. I know it's different than what you two are going through. Come on Tiny Dancer, mommy and daddy need you.

Jen said...

Praying you through this! Hugs!!!!

The Mama Bird said...

I am so so sorry for your loss and all of the pain you are experiencing. I pray that God will meet you all in your grief, and sustain you until the Day you get to meet Him face-to-face.

Hyacynth said...

I'm praying for you guys. I know how rough this loss is ... it's devastating. I love your heart and how you want to patch your hubby's. And, like you said, you'll help by taking your hubby's heart to Him for repair. I promise; He really does heal, slowly and steadily.