Sunday, June 20, 2010

A failure of all sorts.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

My shirt is soaking wet.

My makeup is streaked and my cheeks are flushed.

I cannot stop the tears that flow from a broken heart. A heart that loves more than I know what to do with, but is still so selfish and desires so much.

I cannot be 8 months pregnant and be the supportive wife of a man who just lost his father. The weight is too heavy and I am crumbling under the pressure.

I was mean and rude and demanding and accusatory and everything that I'd hoped I'd never be, especially when he needs me most.

But I failed him, as I always will, because I cannot do it on my own.

I need help. This is too hard.

***************

"Lord, please! I cannot keep doing this! I am falling apart."

I cry out to him as I drive, on my way home from the grocery store, where I've planned for the week and suffered the anxiety already of not being enough.

"Why do you only come to me when you are hurting? Why only when you need me?"

Drip.

"If you only spoke to Aaron when you needed him, how do you think your relationship would be?"

Drip.

"Talk to me all the time. I will help you."

"I can't stay focused. My mind wanders, I feel like I have too much to do."

"Let me help you."

Drip.

"Just, let me help you."

***************

Here I am. Asking for help. Only the help that you can give. I cannot do this on my own. I do not want to keep trying. I surrender.

10 comments:

becomingjolie said...

The best thing about the Lord is he has such a deep history of restoring us and accepting us after we've turned him down time and again. He never runs out of mercy and parental affection and love for us. After all, the entire old testament shows how he chooses a people that doesn't listen to him and flat out disregards him. And he just kept taking them back - he always has and he always will.

You can do this! And He's right, He will help you. Don't let the devil make you think that your relationship with God is works or previous history oriented. It's NOT. It's Christ oriented, HE is the one who enabled you to come to God, not anything you've done or haven't done. That's why it's so easy for God to accept us - he was never relying on our deeds to keep him satisfied to begin with. That was never what drew him to us.

~Mendie~ said...

You are not alone honey, and no one especially your husband expects you to be perfect especially with everything going on around you right now. Hugs friend.

Hyacynth said...

There is grace. And there is mercy. And each is new every morning. Tomorrow will be a new morning. He loves you so much. And your heart is right where He wants it -- open to Him.
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22;23

To Think is to Create said...

Rest in the One and only who will repair all your hearts. It takes SO MUCH time to grieve. Don't rush it. It's ok. Just keep moving forward.

Praying for you xoxo

Mrs Soup said...

Dearest Lord and Heavenly Father,

I pray that you give this lovely daughter of yours the strength and peace she needs. You know what they are all going through and she needs you desperately. Please give her what she needs and allow her to do your work and be happy. Let her know your love and affection.

In Your Name,
Kathy

Anonymous said...

This breaks my heart.
Know I am here....waiting....and praying....for all of us.
Love,
Mom

Mimi's Toes said...

While reading this a song came to my mind. "Jesus take the wheel". Your husband loves you and knows you care and are hurting right along with him. I pray that God grants you both peace.

adventure grrl said...

Oh, sweet girl, it's all going to be okay.

Liz said...

Natalie, I am so sorry for you and sad for you guys. I cannot even imagine the emotional rollercoaster. Know that lots of people love you and and holding you guys up in prayer. And good job speaking truth to yourself about your inability to love Aaron on your own. That is why we have the Holy Spirit. You are super loved girl.

The (Type A) Nightmare said...

Beautiful! To say anything else would ruin this moment I'm having. Just beautiful!