Wednesday, March 24, 2010

On Losing, and Gaining

A dear friend from college emailed last night, telling of a recent miscarriage and asking when and if it gets easier. Responding to her email, with tears streaming down my face, I was able to put into words what I've been feeling. It was odd, as I'd never taken the time to write it down until now.

I will say that being pregnant again has helped, especially as Angel's due date came and went (Feb. 18). But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, and wonder how differently our lives would be if we were parenting a one-month old instead of anticipating the arrival of our little princess. Obviously, we are overjoyed that she is joining our family, but there is a void in my heart that will truly never be filled. Our first baby didn't join our lives. The anniversary of her due date was difficult, to say the least. I am thankful that so many remembered, and honored her. If you haven't told many people, that's okay. But if you have, can I encourage you to share the due date and allow people to celebrate the life of your baby? It helped me so much that people remembered.

On being pregnant again, there is immense fear. I cannot lie. Each day, I pray that she continues to grow, and anticipate as well as dread doctor appointments, as I pray that we'll hear her heartbeat, but dread that we will not. On the days where the fear becomes overwhelming, I have to remind myself of the truth that God is in control and He designed my body to conceive and carry children. The truth is very powerful, but I cannot deny that there is fear. I think He understands this, and sends me peace when I cannot find it otherwise.

...

(disclaimer: these were answers to questions she had, not me boasting of my current pregnancy)

7 comments:

MamaOtwins+1 said...

Wow - that is very powerful - and amazing how you captured all the feelings of loss and fear while carrying another child.
Thank you for sharing!

~Mendie~ said...

Your Angel is watching over you and her little sister. The love that you will always have for her is expected, and I am so glad that you have found a way to put your trust in a higher power when you get scared.

Hugs Natalie...what a sweet message for your friend, a little hope in a dark and sad place.

Sara Joy said...

You said it so well. And thanks for the reminder, I'll have to make sure we mark my Angel's due date too. I'm convinced he was a boy, for a bunch of reasons, but he deserves to be recognized too.
I'm just so glad to know you. (hugs)

Crystal said...

I cannot imagine what you must be going through - so many emotions. I will continue to pray that all continues to go well. Jesus is taking care of your little angel - until you meet someday.

Julia said...

((HUGS)) I completely understand. I also had a thought pop in my head because of what you wrote. I wonder if you are on Babycenter??? We have a wonderful, supportive group of gals that completely understands what you are feeling and there's never any fear of feeling wierd because we all know whatcha mean. Look us up... it's the August 2010 Rainbow Baby group and I would love to have you over there!!!

Amanda said...

You definitely said it well. We too refer to our Ella (now 2.5) as our Rainbow baby... had we not lost her sister Mya at 18 weeks 4 days Ella would not be here. Losing Mya was such a storm in our lives, a very, dark, depressing storm. But Ella became our Rainbow and put happiness back in our hearts.

What you wrote her was perfect ~ it breaks my heart that we have to experience pregnancy loss... it's not fair :(

Rachel/Fuschia Foot said...

What would have been my due date is only a month away... I can't believe I would have been around 36 weeks pregnant right now. Seriously can't even imagine it... I'm very good at compartmentalizing and shutting parts of my brain/emotions off, but it keeps popping into my head these days. Not sure how I'm going to handle April 30th. :/ One day at a time...