A dear friend from college emailed last night, telling of a recent miscarriage and asking when and if it gets easier. Responding to her email, with tears streaming down my face, I was able to put into words what I've been feeling. It was odd, as I'd never taken the time to write it down until now.
I will say that being pregnant again has helped, especially as Angel's due date came and went (Feb. 18). But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, and wonder how differently our lives would be if we were parenting a one-month old instead of anticipating the arrival of our little princess. Obviously, we are overjoyed that she is joining our family, but there is a void in my heart that will truly never be filled. Our first baby didn't join our lives. The anniversary of her due date was difficult, to say the least. I am thankful that so many remembered, and honored her. If you haven't told many people, that's okay. But if you have, can I encourage you to share the due date and allow people to celebrate the life of your baby? It helped me so much that people remembered.
On being pregnant again, there is immense fear. I cannot lie. Each day, I pray that she continues to grow, and anticipate as well as dread doctor appointments, as I pray that we'll hear her heartbeat, but dread that we will not. On the days where the fear becomes overwhelming, I have to remind myself of the truth that God is in control and He designed my body to conceive and carry children. The truth is very powerful, but I cannot deny that there is fear. I think He understands this, and sends me peace when I cannot find it otherwise.
(disclaimer: these were answers to questions she had, not me boasting of my current pregnancy)