Thursday, October 29, 2009
I don't have anything against pregnant woman, and I genuinely wish wonderful, uncomplicated pregnancies for them all. I have, and always will, think that pregnancy is a true miracle, and a pregnant body is amazing and beautiful.
I'm trying to be happy for the women in my life who are pregnant, because I want them to be happy for me too. It's just hard. And it makes me wonder if hearing that I was pregnant was hard for other women. I'm sure it was, and I'm sorry if I flaunted it or rubbed it in.
The thing is, I KNOW this is bad. I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. I KNOW this is selfish.
But it's still so hard. So, so hard.
I had my appointment today, and am thankful for all your prayers. The doctor said everything looked okay, but we will know for sure when the test results come back.
This post is overly emotional. I can only apologize. And go eat chocolate.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
But after the year I’ve had, it’s the new normal for me.
Back in May, I had a procedure done that involved partial nakedness and scraping and other things that scared me. And I thought I might have cervical cancer.
I was nervous on my way to that appointment. I cried and I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up. But it ended up being okay.
And then I had to drive back to that office again in July, and had an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear. The drive there was filled with tears, and shaking, and feeling like I was going to vomit. And when I left that office knowing that I had lost my baby, I couldn’t imagine ever being that scared again. I couldn’t think that driving there would ever feel quite as terrible as that day.
But that day was also filled with prayer. And it changed the course of the day. I prayed, WE PRAYED, and it was okay. It wasn’t good, but it was okay.
And so tomorrow I will have another procedure done. I am not scared, because I will pray. I’m sure I will have butterflies, and probably feel a little bit sick to my stomach. But I know that no matter the outcome, it will be okay. It might not be good, but it will be okay.
(I’m not doctor, but my mom’s a nurse. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this, but my best attempt at the medical explanation of this is over at my Conceive blog.)
Friday, October 23, 2009
During this time, the community over at Conceive Online has been encouraging and uplifting and well, pregnant!
(Oh, and I wrote over there today.)
Thanks for all your encouraging and hopeful comments on my last post. I really hope it's nothing too. I have an appointment next Thursday and am keeping my fingers crossed.
Because, as you'll see over here, we're ready.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
"Hi, Natalie? This is your doctor's office. The doctor has the result's of your test back, and...we need you to come in again".
"Uh, okay. What's wrong?"
"Well, it appears as though the retest from the procedure you had done in May was 'abnormal'."
Abnormal is not a good word, not when your uterus is involved.
I'll get back to you soon. This sucks. Cause I just wanna have a baby, and my uterus is not cooperating!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
We exchanged our vows,
While a couple member's of the wedding party took afternoon naps.
We hugged a tree,
And then met Elvis on our honeymoon!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
But on the day I should be entering my 22nd week of Pregnancy, I will stand united with the hundreds of thousands of parents who have lost their babies. The statistics are staggering; the heartache breath taking. Our babies are gone and we will never be the same.
I will forever cherish the weeks I spent with our baby growing inside of me. I will forever remember the day we lost that miracle. My heart will never be the same, my family never complete. But there is hope and I know this. The joy comes in the morning!
I know some of you come here and don't comment and that's okay. But today, if you feel safe (and I truly hope you do), please leave a comment in honor of your baby. Your babies. You can comment anonymously if you wish.
I cannot express the difference you all have made in my life, and I would be honored to pray for you and for your lost children. I will be on my knees for you tomorrow and in the coming days and weeks. You have my word.
My name is Natalie Cline and I lost my first child to miscarriage at 10w4d on Monday, July 27, 2009.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
I remember Mrs. Bright and Aunt Pat, who fought a hard fight. I honor a customer named Carole, and now Lori, a mother from my home town, who I just KNOW is going to beat the cancer! I praised God for sparing the other women in my life who have been so blessed to have "good" exams and mammograms. Remembering Breast Cancer Awareness during October (and all year) has always been (and will continue to be) very important in my life.
But did you know that October is also Baby Loss Awareness Month? I wasn't going to bring it up, but when I read Sara's post today, I know I had to recognize it. Not just for me, but for you. And for you. And also for you.
Whether you lost your baby, or your grandbaby. Your neice, nephew, or sibling. I'm sorry I didn't recognize. I'm sorry I hoped it wasn't real.
But it is. It is very real and very painful and yet, it brings healing.
I haven't decided what I will do on October 15th to honor my baby. In fact, I haven't quite figured out what any of this means.
Unlike Breast Cancer Awareness, which has always been "such a great cause", this awareness is very real to me. There are no extra ribbons on my purse, no magnets on my car.
I wear this ribbon on my heart.