Tuesday, September 29, 2009

No Turning Back

I've been feeling good lately.

OHMYGOSHWHATDIDSHEJUSTSAY?

Yes, good.

Trust me, it is unreal to me most days, this peace that overwhelms me. But it is not easy. I worry that once I say "I'm good, thank you", I won't be able to go back to "I'm okay today" or "I'm having a hard day".

I know these things are not true. I know that it's okay to take a step back. But I'm afraid that once I say things are good, I'm good, people will forget. And think it's okay for us all to just move right along and pretend nothing ever happened. And not understand the next time I have a hard day (and I know that day will come).

I want to feel good. I've prayed to feel peace and I know you've prayed for it also. Thank you.

Promise me that you'll understand one good day doesn't mean another. And that feeling "good" doesn't take away the bad. Promise me that when I say things are good, you won't forget.

I'm so scared you'll forget.

18 comments:

Mommafo said...

*bigbighugs*

Abra said...

That is great. I totally feel you. But I haven't been praying about it. That I need to do. I want a "no turning back" sort of day too.

Elaine A. said...

I'm glad to hear it was a good day...

Bacardi Mama said...

I promise not to forget. I remember the feeling all too well. I'm glad it was a good day. There will be more and more. I am praying for that.

Michele said...

Every day, one at a time. Some will be great. Others will suck big time. Each day is just so independent.

I'm glad today is a good day.

We will never forget...

*Lissa* said...

Life is full of steps forward, as well as steps backward.

I am glad to hear that a good day (or two!) are finding their way to you.

Jen said...

I promise I will never forget. I love you so much and when a bad day comes, I will be there for you! Can't wait for tonight!!

Erin said...

I think most of life is two steps forward, three steps back, so if you have some bad days intermingled with the good, THAT'S OKAY.

mom said...

I will never forget. We will celebrate baby #2 twice as much and twice as long! Your (our) day is coming.

Cathy said...

I've never commented before, but I want you to know that sometimes I feel like my heart is breaking with you. I don't know what losing a child is like, and I don't even want to know, but my Mom passed away last year. She was my best friend and only 50 years old. I remember feeling that way... the first time I told someone I was "fine" or "doing good." Honestly, it was easier to say that than to try to explain those hurts that no one else knows, and I truly felt that I was supposed to say "fine" or "doing good" from then on... And of course, like you said, I'm terrified of people forgetting because that's the unbearable part. Sending you hugs!

livinginagirlsworld said...

Oh, my dear. I am so glad you are having a good day. And I will *never* hold it against anyone for having a bad day. Don't we have them all for our own reasons? So, have your good days and your okay days and your bad days.

Midwest Mommy said...

I could never forget.

Lindsey said...

Nat! I haven't forgotten I have worn your fears on my own sleeve too the fear of losing something I have never even been given is something that I have thought about since I heard your story, I love you so much and my thoughts are often with you and Aaron I am so sorry that this has been so difficult and I pray that things will get continue to get better

Sara Joy said...

No forgetting, just happy that you have the good moments. :){HUGS} - you get those on the good days too.

~love said...

oh, natalie....i can imagine this fear is very real...that having an okay day means you must be okay all the time now. promise you can have a crummy/terrible/grief-filled day anytime that you need to around me. i will not forget your precious baby.

sarah said...

I'm so glad this day was a good one. The valleys and peaks are all part of it--I am wishing you peace and many more good days than bad. (((((((((hugs)))))))))

To Think is to Create said...

I so so hear you. I get the same way when people ask how my kids (with autism) are going. They are doing very well, but it's all relative, you know? It doesn't mean things are remotely easy, I'm just telling you that relative to those days when things were very, very dark -- now they're good.

I am so glad this day was good. And I hadn't read this post yet when I posted my same titled post last weekend. Kindred spirits. :)

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I hope things are still going good! :)

Steph