Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Scared but Hopeful

The results of the test are in. They are <5, which is where they have to be before trying to get pregnant again. I know I should be thrilled about this, but I am more terrified of becoming pregnant again then I ever was before. Just thinking about it gives me butterflies in my stomach.

I am scared that I will be afraid to live, afraid to leave the house. I will walk lighter, not dare sleep on my stomach, not drink caffeine, eat tons of folic acid, AND NEVER HAVE SEX (I'm only kidding. I think).

It's like after getting in a car accident. Every time you get in the car, you think about the accident. You wonder if the person behind you will stop in time. If the car in the lane next to you will see you before switching lanes. If the road is slippery. If the car in front of you has working brakes. You're scared. At least I know I was after I was in a car accident. 7 years later and I still have anxiety attacks when driving and riding in the car.

Hopefully my fears will subside. Hopefully one day soon enough, I will not relate pregnancy with pain and loss. Hopefully, pregnancy will mean having a baby. Hopefully, the hurt will be less.

God, the one and only— I'll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life. Psalm 62:5 (The Message)


Clair said...

Hugs xxxx

Erin said...

Whether you start trying next month or next year, you'll know when it's right.
The truth is, though, you'll still be scared. I've never lost a pregnancy, but pregnancy still scares me. It's scary because there is so much unknown, and it's truly a grace of God situation, as there's no rhyme or reason why some pregnancies are healthy and some aren't. And once your baby is here, guess what? You're STILL scared, you're still terrified about whether the baby is eating enough or sleeping enough or getting sick. But in the end, it's worth that fear and that terror, I promise you.

livinginagirlsworld said...

One day it won't be as scary as it is now. Don't get me wrong, it will be scary. I was scared most of the way through my first full-term pregnancy, which began 3-4 months after my miscarriage at 12 weeks.

lizbaker said...

Yes, next pregnancy will be terrifying. I get scared almost every day that something has happened to my baby. But going to the doctor and seeing the baby or hearing its (her!) heartbeat makes it all worth it. And I'm pretty sure I've prayed more than I ever have before.

lizbaker said...

Although, to not be all doom and gloom, I think although I've been much more scared this time, I've experienced more freedom as far as the pressure I put on myself. I think I realized that even if I do everything right, it doesn't guarantee me a healthy baby. So this time around, if I miss a pre-natal vitamin occasionally or have some caffiene on one day a week, I know that will not ruin my baby. It is seriously outside my control. I cannot sustain life by my efforts. And that, to me, was very freeing.

Michele said...

honey, it is super scary. but each day with our babies is a special blessing. we just have to remember that and not let our fear take the reigns. you can do this!

Sara Joy said...

I've been trying to comment on this post since it went up. I still can't find the words so I will just say that I get it, and I am with you.