The results of the test are in. They are <5, which is where they have to be before trying to get pregnant again. I know I should be thrilled about this, but I am more terrified of becoming pregnant again then I ever was before. Just thinking about it gives me butterflies in my stomach.
I am scared that I will be afraid to live, afraid to leave the house. I will walk lighter, not dare sleep on my stomach, not drink caffeine, eat tons of folic acid, AND NEVER HAVE SEX (I'm only kidding. I think).
It's like after getting in a car accident. Every time you get in the car, you think about the accident. You wonder if the person behind you will stop in time. If the car in the lane next to you will see you before switching lanes. If the road is slippery. If the car in front of you has working brakes. You're scared. At least I know I was after I was in a car accident. 7 years later and I still have anxiety attacks when driving and riding in the car.
Hopefully my fears will subside. Hopefully one day soon enough, I will not relate pregnancy with pain and loss. Hopefully, pregnancy will mean having a baby. Hopefully, the hurt will be less.
God, the one and only— I'll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life. Psalm 62:5 (The Message)