After a miscarriage, you have to get blood tests done to check your hCG levels, which can become as high as 25,700 by the 9th week of pregnancy (I miscarried during my 10th week). The goal is to have the level at <5.0 before trying to get pregnant again. That's a lot of hCG loss. So my hormones are still crazy, because now they're coming down, instead of 5 weeks ago, when they were crazy because they were increasing.
I went in for my first blood drawl today. It was painful beyond imagination, and I didn't even feel the needle. The office was full of pregnant women, at various stages of pregnancy. Some glowing with their little baby bumps, some uncomfortable with their full grown bellies, counting the hours until their babies join them.
I sat on the opposite side of the room. The last time I was there, I knew I had lost my baby, but was hopeful no less. I was with Aaron. We held hands.
Today, I went by myself. I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes and cried. The receptionist asked me if I was okay. I lied and said yes because I didn't want to have the conversation I've been avoiding all week.
No, I'm not okay. Not at all. Not today.