Monday, August 3, 2009

A Different Pain

After a miscarriage, you have to get blood tests done to check your hCG levels, which can become as high as 25,700 by the 9th week of pregnancy (I miscarried during my 10th week). The goal is to have the level at <5.0 before trying to get pregnant again. That's a lot of hCG loss. So my hormones are still crazy, because now they're coming down, instead of 5 weeks ago, when they were crazy because they were increasing.

I went in for my first blood drawl today. It was painful beyond imagination, and I didn't even feel the needle. The office was full of pregnant women, at various stages of pregnancy. Some glowing with their little baby bumps, some uncomfortable with their full grown bellies, counting the hours until their babies join them.

I sat on the opposite side of the room. The last time I was there, I knew I had lost my baby, but was hopeful no less. I was with Aaron. We held hands.

Today, I went by myself. I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes and cried. The receptionist asked me if I was okay. I lied and said yes because I didn't want to have the conversation I've been avoiding all week.

No, I'm not okay. Not at all. Not today.

16 comments:

Erin said...

I cannot imagine how hard that was. Do you have to get more blood draws? Do you think your OB would let you go straight to the back to wait?

our family said...

I was even able to goto a different clinic and just walk right to the lab for a "lab appointment". Much quicker and WAY less pregnant bellies to walk past. I wish I had something more comforting to offer ... I just don't ... It sucks and it hurts, I am praying for you.

Blessedw5mom said...

ooops was sighned in under a different account ... but the above comment from "our family" is from me

Sarah Viola said...

Oh, Natalie. I'm thinking about you every day. I wish I could take your mind off of reality.

Miz said...

***hugs*** and sending you my thoughts.


Carla

Toni said...

My heart breaks to know that you are enduring such pain :( I do wish I could take it away for you. Though, remember that you are a strong woman - and the both of you together WILL get through this. Luv.

Mimi's Toes said...

Please know that I care and am thinking of you and praying that each day and experience will get a little better as time goes by. God holds our future in his hands. I pray that he embraces you today and gives you that comfort that you and Aaron so deserve.

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

I understand and I'm so sorry.

Just like what was stated before, you can go to any lab, it doesn't have to be at the office. Do whatever it takes to make things easier for you, Natalie.

I'm certain the office would understand.

Praying for you...

Mommy In Pink said...

I totally understand, you have your good days and your bad.

I'm praying for you, stay strong!

Midwest Mommy said...

Hugs. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make it better. I am so sorry.

lizbaker said...

Honestly, sitting in the waiting room at an OB office will never be the same. I used to think everyone in there was probably so happy. Now I look around and wonder which women are happy and which are hurting.

Sending you love and prayers.

Kaitlin Johnston said...

nat, you are still in my prayers .. and as sad as it is .. everything happens for a reason and God knows what he's got going on .. i love you sooo much and if you need anything please let me know :)

blogomomma said...

My heart is with you. I had two that were nine months apart. One at six weeks and one at ten. Unless you've experienced it, you don't understand the flood of emotions. Sometimes you're okay, sometimes you're not. It's no fun being in the unpregnant section unless you meant to be there. God Bless you!

MoDLin said...

Natalie, I'm so sorry for your loss and for the reminders you keep getting with those appointments.

The March of Dimes has created bereavement materials, available at no charge, for parents or other family members who have experienced the loss of a baby between conception and the first month of life. You can read about and even order one of these sensitive and helpful kits at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_15999.asp.

Best wishes to you.

Lorza said...

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine- I am sending good thoughts your way. {{HUGS}}

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so, so sorry. So, so sorry.

Sending you love and light.