Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Untitled

My husband lays beside me, asleep, but barely. We have chosen not to leave each other's side, but to lean on each other, in every sense of the word. He is touching me more tonight than usual, rubbing my back and holding me close.

We have lost our baby.

And we are so, so lost.

It's funny how no one ever talks about the physical pain. We hear of the emotional pain, and My God, the emotional pain is there. But I did not know of the physical pain, of knowing what my body was doing, and not knowing why. Aaron watched me writhe in pain and heard the doctor say "Sweetie, there is nothing we can do. Please come to the office tomorrow". He felt hopeless, and so did I. There truly was nothing we could do.

I wanted to throw the phone across the room. I wanted to tell her to shut up or keep talking, I wasn't sure. I wanted to puke. The pain was so intense, that I nearly did.

But no amount of physical pain prepared me for this day, for hearing the ultrasound technician say, "There is no pregnancy". WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN? There IS a pregnancy. There HAS to be a pregnancy. No, not me. Not us, this is not happening.

Our lives will never be the same.

We find little things to laugh about, little things to bring us joy. America's Got Talent kept our attention for about 10 minutes tonight, then one of us recieved a text message. Oh, please forgive us for not wanting to talk right now. There just are no words.

I feel a jumbled mess. I wanted this post to be so eloquent, so beautiful, that you would know our hearts, but I can barely see the screen through my tears. And my husband, my best friend, is waiting for me to turn off the light so we can hold each other.

49 comments:

To Think is to Create said...

You know what I already told you, but just wanted to say it again. Here for you. Always.

I think we don't talk about the physical pain because it's too dark and upsetting to describe. Too much heartache to describe the body ache.

Love and hugs to you my sweets.

Jen said...

My heart aches for you. I just want to drive to your house and hold you and cry until it is not true. Please know I am mourning the loss of your child with you and it hurts. You know I love you, you know I will do ANYTHING for you. I think the post is beautiful. I think you are my hero. I love you!
Aunt Jen

Jess :) said...

Natalie,

Oh my goodness, honey. I am so, so incredibly sorry. My eyes are welling with tears for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but please know that I will definitely be PRAYING for you.

I wish there was more I could do for you. PRAYING...

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Sending lots of Hugs

Midwest Mommy said...

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say but I wish I could hug you right now. I obviously saw the other post first in my reader.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Natalie, I am so sorry. What can I do for you? Please let me know. Praying. Peace over you tonight.

Steph

*Lissa* said...

I am so, so sorry hon.

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

Natalie,

My heart is BROKEN for you. I am so sorry, I wish I could reach out and just hug you right now and tell you something that would take your pain away but OH MY GOD there are no words for you that could ever, ever help this broken heart of yours.

I didn't even know this happened until Brian just told me...my heart dropped to the floor, I know he heard it. Natalie, I am so so sorry, I have prayed SO HARD FOR YOU.

My tears fall for you, for your husband and for your beautiful angel baby.

There are no distractions big enough to ease this pain...so grieve...JUST GRIEVE.

I am so sorry.

I am HERE FOR YOU. Reach out...

Angie @ Just Like The Number said...

Natalie, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I miscarried a few years ago and I know the pain, both physical and emotional, that it bears on you. Hugs and prayers to you and your husband.

K Mommy said...

I am praying so hard for yall.

Allyson said...

I've emailed you, but your not alone. There are a lot of beautiful amazing women surrounding you. Your in my thoughts.

Sarah Viola said...

I'm so sorry, Natalie. I wish there was something I could do to take your hurt away. Love.

Jennifer James said...

I have no words and I'm not really good at this sort of thing. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear this and if you need anything, don't be afraid to reach out.

Toni said...

Natalie, please know that I love you and will be praying for you both. My heart breaks for the two of you and my insides long to take the pain away and make it all better - but that isn't going to happen. I can't say that I understand or that it will all be fine - because I don't, and for now it won't. Though, please know that I am here for you whether you need to laugh, cry, talk, sob or just eat snacks together. I hated to just leave a message, but know that now is not the time for talking out loud. Anything, Anything at all - just call <3

Yocumotion said...

i am broken for you right now. you will be in my prayers. sending love, prayers, and hugs

livinginagirlsworld said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It hurts more than words can ever describe.

april said...

I'm so very sorry. My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

Diana Lee said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry. It is happening to me as we speak, as well. (My ultrasound resulted in those same words two weeks ago- and I am still in the agonizing process of miscarrying.) Yes, the physical aspect SUCKS. Just a cruel constant reminder of what's going on inside. It does get a bit easier each day. Praying for peace for your family...

Shealynn Benner said...

Oh, sweet sweet, girl! I am so so terribly sorry to hear about your loss! My heart is aching for you, and my eyes are filling with tears just hearing your thoughts, and knowing this is so very difficult. There are just no words to make what you're feeling any better, but know I am thinking of you.

hugs!

Shealynn

Mimi's Toes said...

I have been tossing and turning in bed for the past few hours and got up and was drawn to my computer and came straight to your blog. Dear God Natalie, I am so very sorry for your loss, words can't even describe what I am feeling for you right now. I want to hug you and cry with you. Please know that I am praying tonight for peace for you and your husband. And strength in your body. Keep holding tight to your husband and draw strength from one another. Love you, Rhonda

Missew said...

I don't know that I have ever commented on your blog. I read occasionally. I think I started following you when Stellan was last in the hospital? Anyway, many prayers will be said for you tonight. I am so sorry that you lost your baby.

nicoleg101 said...

I found this post quite randomly, but at the moment I am going through the same thing, for the second time. I'm waiting for my body to do what it should do. The pain is intense, both physically and emotionally. I am so sorry that you have had to learn this too.

My thoughts are with you all.

corrin said...

I'll be thinking about you. There's nothing you could have done differently. Just rest.

Erin said...

I am so sorry, Natalie. I know that saying sorry is trite, but I am. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away. If there is ANYTHING I can do, just say the word.
Love you.

Carrie said...

Oh, I am so sorry. Grieving with you & praying for you.

Anna B said...

Prayers for you!

angeljoy said...

Crying for you. I've never lost a baby, but while I was pregnant, I passed something at 7wks and thought I'd lost the baby.
The grief,emotional pain and fear was immediate and intense.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I hate it for you.
((((hugs)))

katala97 said...

I'm so so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Praying peace and grace on you.

The Willard Family said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been through that before and it is something that you can't describe unless you go through it. And I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through that. It is horrible. I will pray for peace and healing for you. Healing for your emotions, your body, your everything. My heart goes out to you. I know that doesn't make it any better, but my heart is hurting for you. I am just so sorry. I will continue to pray.

Crooked Eyebrow said...

Oh Natalie, I am so very sorry for all your pain.

Let your husband hold you tighter and longer, but know that we are all here for you when you are ready.

You are an amazing woman and we all love you.

hugs & nothing but love,
CE

Chickie said...

I am so sorry... I will be praying for you both.

MamaJoss said...

Just came across your beautiful blog and I am so sorry to read this. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling and going through, but I know for certain - everything has its reason. Hang tight strong lady...I'm with you.

Carrington said...

Crying for you, praying for you, and lifting up you, your husband and your angel. I'm so so sorry, and I wish that I could take all the pain away from your heart and your body. Grieve, and let yourself grieve, and know that there are so many people lifting you up in prayer, and so many people that love you, and are here to comfort and hold you, just like your hubby. Love you.

Missy and JP said...

Oh Natalie! I'm so sorry for you and Aaron....loss of life is a huge agonizing ordeal and to have to feel physical pain on top of it is horrific I'm sure. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers.....try to rest in the arms of our Jesus these next several days/weeks.....He's capable of carrying you through this sweet girl. Love to you always!

Mommy In Pink said...

I have been there, I know the pain as I lost my first baby and there is nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away, this I know to be true.

It takes time, I will be praying that you have peace. Please rest and take all the time you need.

Kristy

Nathan and Nikki Hillery said...

So, so sorry Natalie. You and Aaron are both in my prayers.

messyfunmommylife said...

You are in my prayers. If you ever need anything I am here.

peapodsquadmom said...

i have been in that darkness...three times now. every time wondering if my empty arms would ever be filled with a child. i am so sorry for your loss. for your intense pain (emotional, physical, mental). my prayers are with you both as you walk the path of healing.

Clair said...

Here for you and praying for you both. Loads of love, Clair

Gillie said...

Natalie,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

I can't say I know how you feel, I can only say I know how I felt.

Take time to grieve however long you like. This is a loss like no other. Miscarriage is a lonely loss. It is the loss of a baby but it is also the loss of a dream.

Lifting you up in prayer and praying for your heart to have peace.
Gillie

P.S. Each time I miscarried I scoured the blogs to find similar stories and for me they made me feel a little better. Here is the link to my blog that deals with my struggles on this.
http://mymonthlyheartbreak.blogspot.com/

sarah said...

My heart is broken for you.

--It's Your Movie-- said...

I have read your blog a few times and follow you on twitter. My heart dropped when I saw this. I am so sorry for your heartache. Praying for you right now.

KARMINA said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Susan

http://ovarianpain.net

Amanda @ High Impact Mom said...

Oh Natalie. I am so so sorry. Though I have not known you long, I love you. I knew you were one for all time at the dinner. I am heart-broken for you. How can I help? I know there is nothing, but still I must offer.
I agree with To Think about the body pain, I think the lingering emotional pain makes us fuzzy to all else. Should you need me. Just say the word. You are close enough to me.
I'm praying for you and your sweet husband, for your family, and friends.

With love,
Amanda

Gemma said...

i am so, so sorry. i don't really know what to say, but just know that i'm thinking and praying for you.

Melis.sa said...

I am so, so sorry. There are no words sometimes, for all of this, no explanations...

Holding you in my thoughts and prayers

Mary Craig said...

Came here from Beth's. I am so so sorry. I was exactly where you are EXACTLY one year ago. We lost our baby at 11 weeks. I was beyond devastated. You will get through this, and it WILL suck, but you will. And don't listen to anybody who tries to hurry your grief along. It is a process.

3 months later I got pregnant with our precious little girl who is in my lap right now. And while I am in love with her beyond measure, I still think about the baby I lost. Take your time. This is not the club anyone wants to belong to, bu at least you know you're not alone. Hugs to you.

The Mama Bird said...

I was just checking out my blog "followers" and discovered your blog. I just want you to know how very very sorry I am to hear about the loss that you endured in July, and still grieve today. I hope that today finds you in a better place, even if only slightly. Praying that God will continue to carry you.