My heart hurts so bad.

I don’t usually blog during work hours, but I need you...

I’ve just learned that a dear friend from High School is having some complications in her pregnancy and will go in for an ultrasound tomorrow looking for a heartbeat. During a visit last week, the ultrasound revealed a sac and a fetus, but no heartbeat. Her hCG levels continue to climb, however.

My heart is broken. I feel sick to my stomach. She does not deserve this. Just as none of us did.

If you’re one for prayers, please remember N tonight as you go before the Great Physician. If you’re one for thinking positive thoughts and sending good energy, she would appreciate that too.

This community is one of love and comfort and support, and I know you will not let her down.

Thank you so, so much.

The Necklace

My therapist suggested I give the baby a name. Even though we didn't know what we were having, she told me to follow my instinct and pick a name. It didn't take a lot of thought, I knew the baby was a girl, and I knew we would have given her a name that started with the letter A.

And so she was to be my Angelina. My Angel.

I never told anyone (even Aaron) about this task I had been assigned, or the name I had picked, but when I talk to her, I call her Angelina. It has helped my grieving process tremendously. And I hadn't ever planned to tell anyone....

Back in October, Casey posted a picture of one of the couture pieces from The R House Etsy Shop. I emailed the link to Aaron and asked him to buy me one of the necklaces for my birthday, and to surprise me with what it said.

It came in the mail last week, and I didn't even want to peak because I love surprises! I couldn't wait for my birthday so I could see which one of the pieces he had chosen!

Last night, I was very sad and missing my baby so much. Aaron and I had a wonderful, heartfelt talk about all we'd been through, and I told him that my therapist had recommended I give the baby a name. After giving it some thought, he asked me if we could call her Angel. My tears turned to sobs as I told him I had been calling her that all along, and then he asked me if he could give me my birthday present a few days early.



Of course. She's always been our Angel.

Who has the chocolate?

I am overly emotional at other's pregnancy annoucements. I was when I was trying to get pregnant, but now that I'm not anymore, those annoucements are even harder to read.

I don't have anything against pregnant woman, and I genuinely wish wonderful, uncomplicated pregnancies for them all. I have, and always will, think that pregnancy is a true miracle, and a pregnant body is amazing and beautiful.

I'm trying to be happy for the women in my life who are pregnant, because I want them to be happy for me too. It's just hard. And it makes me wonder if hearing that I was pregnant was hard for other women. I'm sure it was, and I'm sorry if I flaunted it or rubbed it in.

The thing is, I KNOW this is bad. I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. I KNOW this is selfish.

But it's still so hard. So, so hard.

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I had my appointment today, and am thankful for all your prayers. The doctor said everything looked okay, but we will know for sure when the test results come back.

This post is overly emotional. I can only apologize. And go eat chocolate.

Why the Mirror? Seriously.

No nerves. This is an odd feeling for me, to have to go to the doctor and have tests done and things frozen and be partially naked in a room with a mirror (WTH?), and not be nervous.

But after the year I’ve had, it’s the new normal for me.

Back in May, I had a procedure done that involved partial nakedness and scraping and other things that scared me. And I thought I might have cervical cancer.

Anyhow.

I was nervous on my way to that appointment. I cried and I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up. But it ended up being okay.

And then I had to drive back to that office again in July, and had an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear. The drive there was filled with tears, and shaking, and feeling like I was going to vomit. And when I left that office knowing that I had lost my baby, I couldn’t imagine ever being that scared again. I couldn’t think that driving there would ever feel quite as terrible as that day.

But that day was also filled with prayer. And it changed the course of the day. I prayed, WE PRAYED, and it was okay. It wasn’t good, but it was okay.

And so tomorrow I will have another procedure done. I am not scared, because I will pray. I’m sure I will have butterflies, and probably feel a little bit sick to my stomach. But I know that no matter the outcome, it will be okay. It might not be good, but it will be okay.

(I’m not doctor, but my mom’s a nurse. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this, but my best attempt at the medical explanation of this is over at my Conceive blog.)

Thoughts For A Friday Afternoon.

Being a blogger for Conceive Magazine is kinda hard when my focus has been on loss instead of gain. My mindset is changing though, and this side of conception that I'm on gets a little brighter each day.

During this time, the community over at Conceive Online has been encouraging and uplifting and well, pregnant!

(Oh, and I wrote over there today.)

Thanks for all your encouraging and hopeful comments on my last post. I really hope it's nothing too. I have an appointment next Thursday and am keeping my fingers crossed.

Because, as you'll see over here, we're ready.

Ugh.

The phone rang at the most inappropriate time.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Natalie? This is your doctor's office. The doctor has the result's of your test back, and...we need you to come in again".

"Uh, okay. What's wrong?"

"Well, it appears as though the retest from the procedure you had done in May was 'abnormal'."

Abnormal is not a good word, not when your uterus is involved.

I'll get back to you soon. This sucks. Cause I just wanna have a baby, and my uterus is not cooperating!

Anniversary! (& Winners!)

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary! Thank you for all the sweet Twitter and Facebook messages!

We exchanged our vows,



While a couple member's of the wedding party took afternoon naps.



We hugged a tree,



And then met Elvis on our honeymoon!

Also, at one point on our honeymoon, we ate at Wendy's. And this picture captures Aaron's personality and makes me smile.

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband!

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There were a couple Anonymous commenters who were chosen to receive the Seeds of Hope from Earth Mama Angel Baby. I have listed the comment time here, and if it was your comment, and you would like the Seeds, please email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com.

If you do not want to identify yourself, I completely understand. You will have until Monday, October 26 at 9 am to email me your information. If there are unclaimed packets of Seeds of Hope, I will choose new names. Also, if your name is listed below and you did not receive an email, it was because I did not have your address. Please email me!

Seeds of Hope

Michele

Living In A Girls World

Julia

JayBee

RHCP - 10/15 - 9:03 am

SaraJoy

The Root of All Evel

Anon (Amy T) - 10/15 - 2:37 pm

Em

Rachel - 10/18 - 4:02 am

The winner of the $25 gift certificate to the Earth Mama Angel Baby site is Mrs. Soup! Hopefully you find something wonderful for yourself or Baby Soup!

Thank you to Earth Mama Angel Baby for providing the Seeds of Hope and gift certificate!